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Easter
Happy Zombie Jesus Day!
APRIL 3RD, 2009
3.33 (6 votes)
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Valentine's Day
I'd love to be your Valentine by curing you of your sin-based blindness before being executed as a religious martyr.
FEBRUARY 13TH, 2009
3.00 (3 votes)
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Movies
I'm glad the Academy can continue their tradition of patiently waiting to award actors until they're dead or don't deserve it.
JANUARY 22ND, 2009
4.14 (7 votes)
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MLK Day
Please honor MLK this weekend by practicing self-segregation.
JANUARY 18TH, 2009
4.20 (5 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
I'm glad that your privileged connections will allow you avoid all the unpleasant, poor minorities at the Inauguration.
JANUARY 14TH, 2009
2.33 (3 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
I've been thinking about upping the security around here, what with all the minorities about to move in.
JANUARY 14TH, 2009
2.67 (3 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
Remember not to rob anyone at the Inauguration unless you're sure they have good seats.
JANUARY 14TH, 2009
3.33 (3 votes)
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Christmas Season
Sorry your heathenism caused a national disaster's worth of bad weather this Christmas.
DECEMBER 25TH, 2008
0.00 (0 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
I promise that the next time you blow me, I'll try not to blow out your eardrums again.
DECEMBER 9TH, 2008
1.00 (3 votes)
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Christmas Season
Let's celebrate the reason for the season by kidnapping an unmarried, pregnant teen and forcing her to give birth in our garage.
DECEMBER 6TH, 2008
2.50 (4 votes)
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Christmas Season
Sorry you thought you saw your mommy kissing Santa Claus, and then realized it was actually your dad.
DECEMBER 6TH, 2008
2.00 (5 votes)
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Christmas Season
God is sort of like Santa, but instead of getting coal for Christmas if you're on the naughty list, you'll get an eternal curse placed on your sperm.
DECEMBER 6TH, 2008
2.25 (4 votes)
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Thanksgiving
I'm thankful you're no longer a savage barbarian.
NOVEMBER 25TH, 2008
3.00 (3 votes)
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Thanksgiving
This Thanksgiving, good luck finding a neutral conversation topic with your right-wing, racist, fundamentalist Christian family.
NOVEMBER 16TH, 2008
3.79 (14 votes)
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Thanksgiving
This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful we can ignore my own failures in life by constantly arguing about Barack Obama and gay marriage.
NOVEMBER 16TH, 2008
4.20 (5 votes)
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Thanksgiving
I'm thankful the financial crisis is forcing me to stay here and get tanked with my friends rather than fly home to my family.
NOVEMBER 16TH, 2008
4.20 (5 votes)
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Friendship
I'm glad we're so good at life.
NOVEMBER 12TH, 2008
2.78 (9 votes)
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Thanksgiving
I'm thankful that no one has forced me to completely assimilate to their culture and then celebrated by stealing my land and killing my people.
NOVEMBER 3RD, 2008
3.46 (70 votes)
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Thanksgiving
I hope you can put aside your selfish vegetarianism long enough to eat dinner with your loving family.
NOVEMBER 3RD, 2008
3.90 (10 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
Sorry you live in a state where your vote won't matter.
NOVEMBER 1ST, 2008
3.11 (9 votes)
