I miss you like I miss my phone when I forget to take it to the toilet with me.
You are only as old as you are.
When are you going to start taking responsibility for my actions?
Of all the things I call you behind your back, "friend" is one of them.
You have the childlike spirit of a young Drew Barrymore, and by that I mean an alcoholic.
Just because you caught me jerking off, doesn't mean you're better than me.
Halfway through my life, I think it's time to go to crisis mode.
The thought of you reading this excites me in ways you are imagining right now.
Working out with you isn't working out with me.
Looks like you picked the wrong weekend to go pig fucking.
Let me preface this compliment with - fuck you, you fucking asshole- great job.
An owl was sitting on a donkey's rear, my head nearly imploded.
I look forward to rewarding your conversation skills with my penetration skills.
Sorry I took our bromance to the next level.
Remember to drink one for St. Patrick and his fight against pancreatic cancer.
Who knew Patrick Duffy was so revered.
Happy St. Patrick's Day, where're the white bitches at.
