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    If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day.

    If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day

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    Take comfort in knowing your Valentine's Day as a single person will still be more romantic than Valentine's Day as a married person.

    Take comfort in knowing your Valentine's Day as a single person will still be more romantic than Valentine's Day as a married person.

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    Sorry that right now there's a 4th grader who has 29 more Valentines than you do.

    Sorry that right now there's a 4th grader who has 29 more Valentines than you do.

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    My love for you is beyond words so don't expect a Valentine's Day card from me.

    My love for you is beyond words so don't expect a Valentine's Day card from me.

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    This is the most special of the estimated one billion cards that will be sent this Valentine's Day.

    This is the most special of the estimated one billion cards that will be sent this Valentine's Day

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    I'm glad you recognize how terrible your life would be without me.

    I'm glad you recognize how terrible your life would be without me

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    Your Valentine's Day gift to me can be letting me off the hook for not getting you a Valentine's Day gift.

    Your Valentine's Day gift to me can be letting me off the hook for not getting you a Valentine's Day gift.

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    Nothing Steve Jobs ever created could fully replace you in my life.

    Nothing Steve Jobs ever created could fully replace you in my life

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    Just a reminder that the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony isn't the only thing missing a ring.

    Just a reminder that the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony isn't the only thing missing a ring.

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    I'm wildly in love with you provided my friends, family and therapist are in agreement.

    I'm wildly in love with you provided my friends, family and therapist are in agreement.

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    For Valentine's Day, I pledge to only ignore a quarter of what you say.

    For Valentine's Day, I pledge to only ignore a quarter of what you say.

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    I'd stalk you even if it wasn't so convenient.

    I'd stalk you even if it wasn't so convenient.

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    I'd let you kiss me on the mouth immediately after oral sex.

    I'd let you kiss me on the mouth immediately after oral sex.

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    Happy Valentine's Day to someone I'm happy to get flowers for due to reasons other than illness or death.

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone I'm happy to get flowers for due to reasons other than illness or death.

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    Sorry my period ruined whatever disgusting things you had planned for Valentine's Day.

    Sorry my period ruined whatever disgusting things you had planned for Valentine's Day.

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    The best part of being my own date for Valentine's Day is knowing I'm guaranteed to score.

    The best part of being my own date for Valentine's Day is knowing I'm guaranteed to score.

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    As long as you keep loving me I can keep hiding my crazy.

    As long as you keep loving me I can keep hiding my crazy.

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    I love you more than serial killers love nondescript vans.

    I love you more than serial killers love nondescript vans.

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    My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.

    My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection

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    I'm getting all the demented drama I expect on Valentine's Day just by staying home to watch House of Cards.

    I'm getting all the demented drama I expect on Valentine's Day just by staying home to watch House of Cards.

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