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May Gisele's Super Bowl comments make you less upset you're not dating a supermodel this Valentine's Day

Try not to think about the fact that Newt Gingrich is having more sex than you this Valentine's Day

May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day

Don't forget to leave work early today so that people actually think you have Valentine's Day plans.

I wish they could manufacture a holiday that didn't point out my inability to commit.

My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection

I will always love you, even if I have to always love you from no closer than 300 feet

My Valentine runs on batteries.

Valentine's Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine's Day

I was wondering if you could lend me money for the perfect Valentine's Day date I want to take you on

Happy Valentine's Day to the person I've slept with most recently.

Congratulations on being my first repeat Valentine

Just remember that being alone on Valentine's Day is no different than any other day of your life

I'm more scared of screwing up Valentine's Day than screwing up our relationship

The only thing worse than spending Valentine's Day with a Steelers fan would be spending Valentine's Day with a Steelers quarterback

I promise to always tell you the truth about whether or not you look fat if you promise not to get fat

I promise to give a less embarrassing performance this Valentine's Day than musical performers did at the Super Bowl

This Valentine's Day, expect the finest flowers still available on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day and Black History Month are sad reminders of how lonely and white I am

I love you more than Egyptians hate Mubarak

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