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Happy early Valentine's Day to someone who should already be planning the greatest night of my life

Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men

My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection

I want to grow old and disgusting with you

Let's have a fiscally but not sexually conservative Valentine's Day

I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you

Big dinners make me drowsy so let's do the sex part first

They won't be able to fit what I'm about to do to you on a conversation heart.

Join me for a girls' night this Valentine's Day to celebrate our independence before we drunk text our exes and quietly sob ourselves to sleep

If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day

Someday I'd like you to be my emergency contact person

Sorry the only ring you're wearing this Valentine's Day is a contraceptive in your vagina

I could watch TV with you forever

Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you

I'd like to dedicate this boner to you

I'm ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are

Let's make love when we're done fucking

It's comforting to know that we're equally maladjusted

I want to wake up in your legs

Valentine's Day and Black History Month are sad reminders of how lonely and white I am

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