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    You make me feel like a pudgy, naked, winged child has shot an arrow into my chest cavity.

    You make me feel like a pudgy, naked, winged child has shot an arrow into my chest cavity

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    If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day.

    If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day

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    This Valentine's Day, I'm wishing you all the love a somewhat logical string of emojis can convey.

    This Valentine's Day, I'm wishing you all the love a somewhat logical string of emojis can convey.

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    This is the most special of the estimated one billion cards that will be sent this Valentine's Day.

    This is the most special of the estimated one billion cards that will be sent this Valentine's Day

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    Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men.

    Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men

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    Nothing Steve Jobs ever created could fully replace you in my life.

    Nothing Steve Jobs ever created could fully replace you in my life

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    Take comfort in knowing your Valentine's Day as a single person will still be more romantic than Valentine's Day as a married person.

    Take comfort in knowing your Valentine's Day as a single person will still be more romantic than Valentine's Day as a married person.

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    Sorry that right now there's a 4th grader who has 29 more Valentines than you do.

    Sorry that right now there's a 4th grader who has 29 more Valentines than you do.

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    My love for you is beyond words so don't expect a Valentine's Day card from me.

    My love for you is beyond words so don't expect a Valentine's Day card from me.

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    I love you more than serial killers love nondescript vans.

    I love you more than serial killers love nondescript vans.

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    Your Valentine's Day gift to me can be letting me off the hook for not getting you a Valentine's Day gift.

    Your Valentine's Day gift to me can be letting me off the hook for not getting you a Valentine's Day gift.

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    Someday I'd like you to be my emergency contact person.

    Someday I'd like you to be my emergency contact person

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    I hope you prepare more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

    I hope you prepare more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

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    Happy 4th Valentine’s Day to the condom in your wallet.

    Happy 4th Valentine’s Day to the condom in your wallet.

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    This Valentine's Day, my heart will be more open than Bob Costas' left eye.

    This Valentine's Day, my heart will be more open than Bob Costas' left eye.

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    Just remember that being alone on Valentine's Day is no different than any other day of your life.

    Just remember that being alone on Valentine's Day is no different than any other day of your life

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    I'm going to go ahead and assume it isn't a human resources violation to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day.

    I'm going to go ahead and assume it isn't a human resources violation to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day.

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    I want to grow old and disgusting with you.

    I want to grow old and disgusting with you

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    Happy early Valentine's Day to someone who should already be planning the greatest night of my life.

    Happy early Valentine's Day to someone who should already be planning the greatest night of my life

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    Just wanted to thank you in advance for the flowers I'm going to send to myself and pretend are from you.

    Just wanted to thank you in advance for the flowers I'm going to send to myself and pretend are from you.

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