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    Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you.

    Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you

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    Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men.

    Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men

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    Please join me in further crippling the economy by sending an e-card this Valentine's Day.

    Please join me in further crippling the economy by sending an e-card this Valentine's Day.

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    Don't forget to leave work early today so that people actually think you have Valentine's Day plans.

    Don't forget to leave work early today so that people actually think you have Valentine's Day plans.

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    My Valentine runs on batteries.

    My Valentine runs on batteries.

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    My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.

    My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection

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    As long as you keep loving me I can keep hiding my crazy.

    As long as you keep loving me I can keep hiding my crazy.

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    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day.

    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day

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    I love you like a cannibal loves human flesh.

    I love you like a cannibal loves human flesh

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    Get your socks off and a condom on.

    Get your socks off and a condom on

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    You're the top trending topic in the Twitter feed of my heart.

    You're the top trending topic in the Twitter feed of my heart

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    I want to grow old and disgusting with you.

    I want to grow old and disgusting with you

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    My true love is out there somewhere and they can go fuck themselves.

    My true love is out there somewhere and they can go fuck themselves

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    You're someone I really feel like I can sleep with sober.

    You're someone I really feel like I can sleep with sober

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    The GOP settling for Romney is a great reminder to thank you for settling for me.

    The GOP settling for Romney is a great reminder to thank you for settling for me

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    Let's break out the special lube tonight.

    Let's break out the special lube tonight

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    I promise to always tell you the truth about whether or not you look fat if you promise not to get fat.

    I promise to always tell you the truth about whether or not you look fat if you promise not to get fat

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    I'm in love and not afraid to annoy the shit out of everyone.

    I'm in love and not afraid to annoy the shit out of everyone

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    This is the most special of the estimated one billion cards that will be sent this Valentine's Day.

    This is the most special of the estimated one billion cards that will be sent this Valentine's Day

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    I want to wake up in your legs.

    I want to wake up in your legs

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