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    Happy early Valentine's Day to someone who should already be planning the greatest night of my life.

    Happy early Valentine's Day to someone who should already be planning the greatest night of my life

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    Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men.

    Don't forget that blow jobs are like flowers for men

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    My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.

    My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection

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    I want to grow old and disgusting with you.

    I want to grow old and disgusting with you

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    Let's have a fiscally but not sexually conservative Valentine's Day.

    Let's have a fiscally but not sexually conservative Valentine's Day

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    I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you.

    I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you

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    Big dinners make me drowsy so let's do the sex part first.

    Big dinners make me drowsy so let's do the sex part first

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    They won't be able to fit what I'm about to do to you on a conversation heart.

    They won't be able to fit what I'm about to do to you on a conversation heart.

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    Join me for a girls' night this Valentine's Day to celebrate our independence before we drunk text our exes and quietly sob ourselves to sleep.

    Join me for a girls' night this Valentine's Day to celebrate our independence before we drunk text our exes and quietly sob ourselves to sleep

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    If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day.

    If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day

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    Someday I'd like you to be my emergency contact person.

    Someday I'd like you to be my emergency contact person

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    Sorry the only ring you're wearing this Valentine's Day is a contraceptive in your vagina.

    Sorry the only ring you're wearing this Valentine's Day is a contraceptive in your vagina

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    I could watch TV with you forever.

    I could watch TV with you forever

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    Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you.

    Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you

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    I'd like to dedicate this boner to you.

    I'd like to dedicate this boner to you

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    I'm ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are.

    I'm ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are

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    Let's make love when we're done fucking.

    Let's make love when we're done fucking

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    It's comforting to know that we're equally maladjusted.

    It's comforting to know that we're equally maladjusted

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    I want to wake up in your legs.

    I want to wake up in your legs

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    Valentine's Day and Black History Month are sad reminders of how lonely and white I am.

    Valentine's Day and Black History Month are sad reminders of how lonely and white I am

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