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Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you

Let's break out the special lube tonight

If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day

Please join me in further crippling the economy by sending an e-card this Valentine's Day.

My Valentine runs on batteries.

My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection

Don't forget to leave work early today so that people actually think you have Valentine's Day plans.

As long as you keep loving me I can keep hiding my crazy.

May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day

I'd like to dedicate this boner to you

Get your socks off and a condom on

You're the top trending topic in the Twitter feed of my heart

I want to grow old and disgusting with you

My true love is out there somewhere and they can go fuck themselves

You're someone I really feel like I can sleep with sober

The GOP settling for Romney is a great reminder to thank you for settling for me

I'm in love and not afraid to annoy the shit out of everyone

I promise to always tell you the truth about whether or not you look fat if you promise not to get fat

I want to wake up in your legs

This is the most special of the estimated one billion cards that will be sent this Valentine's Day

I'm ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are

I'll pretend to give a crap about the Super Bowl if you pretend to give a crap about Valentine's Day

Join me for a girls' night this Valentine's Day to celebrate our independence before we drunk text our exes and quietly sob ourselves to sleep

Valentine's Day and Black History Month are sad reminders of how lonely and white I am

Today's a perfect day to belittle our single friends

The only thing worse than a Valentine's Day without you is Valentine's Day

Please give me an estimate of the cheapest Valentine's Day date that will still result in us having sex

You make my heart beat entirely too fast

Let's make love when we're done fucking

Congratulations on being my first repeat Valentine

Happy early Valentine's Day to someone who should already be planning the greatest night of my life

Let's spend Valentine's Day alone together

I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you

I'm going to be romantically spontaneous on this pre-determined holiday of romantic expression

Let's have a fiscally but not sexually conservative Valentine's Day

Hug a loner this Valentine's Day

I'm falling in love with you and would like to go on a second date

I'd never let a snowstorm interfere with the incredible Valentine's Day plans I haven't made yet

Let's schedule enough dates between now and February 13 so that it won't be awkward to go out on Valentine's Day

Big dinners make me drowsy so let's do the sex part first

Be my Valentine if we're still dating then

I'm so proud you're my Valentine that I hope we run into one of my exes

I managed to secure Valentine's Day dinner reservations at both 4:45 p.m. and 11:30 p.m.

You're going to love the Valentine's Day plans you told me to make

It's comforting to know that we're equally maladjusted

A satisfactory Valentine's Day is the new marriage proposal

It's not what you do for me on Valentine's Day that matters but the amount of jealousy it provokes in others

Happy Valentine's Day from a secret admirer who really exists and isn't just you sending this card to yourself

Happy Valentine's Day to someone who raised me, loved me unconditionally, and made me almost capable of having a functional relationship

I'm using Pinterest to show people the perfectly romantic Valentine's Day I won't be having

Be aware that whether you give me Valentine's Day candy or not I will fear the worst regarding your thoughts on my weight

I'm more scared of screwing up Valentine's Day than screwing up our relationship

I hate Valentine's Day unless you'd like to be my date

I love you like a cannibal loves human flesh

This Valentine's Day, I'm going to fantasize I had a very romantic dinner before masturbating myself to sleep

You make me feel like a pudgy, naked, winged child has shot an arrow into my chest cavity

Try not to savagely assault happy couples this Valentine's Day

I could watch TV with you forever

Thinking of Facebook-stalking you this Valentine's Day

This Valentine's Day, prepare to endure even more PDA than usual

Be my Valentine and you may benefit from the impulsive spending of my Super Bowl winnings

This Valentine's Day, I want you to know exactly how I feel about you in someone else's words

Nothing Steve Jobs ever created could fully replace you in my life

Let's ironically celebrate Valentine's Day by going on a date

I'd like to plug my avatar's queue into your worm-like neural fibers, if you know what I mean

As fuck buddies, we should fuck this Valentine's Day

Just sending a preemptive apology since Valentine's Day can't possibly live up to your expectations

There's no one else I'd rather spend this annual obligation with

May your love for me not fade as quickly as your love for Obama

I love you more than Egyptians hate Mubarak

Remember not to wear yourself out with the SI Swimsuit Issue before our Valentine's Day date

Try not to think about the fact that Newt Gingrich is having more sex than you this Valentine's Day

Sorry the only ring you're wearing this Valentine's Day is a contraceptive in your vagina

May Gisele's Super Bowl comments make you less upset you're not dating a supermodel this Valentine's Day

I'm sure nothing in the movie Valentine's Day could top your plan for us unless your plan is to see Valentine's Day

I love you more than Newt Gingrich loves abandoning a sick wife

Let's watch your shows this Valentine's Day

Let's celebrate not having to celebrate Valentine's Day

Be on the short list to be my Valentine

This Valentine's Day, expect the finest flowers still available on Valentine's Day

I feel like I could listen to you forever in 140-character-or-less increments

Happy Valentine's Day to your pants pocket since it calls me more than you do.

There simply must be a correlation between quantity of chocolate purchased and anal sex permitted

May your Valentine's Day disgust all your single friends

I'd love to not hear all about your Valentine's Day

Just a reminder that your Valentine's Day plans for me will be broadcast in real-time on at least three social media platforms

Sorry about Valentine's Day

Maybe it'll take some pressure off Valentine's Day knowing I'll still be picturing Ryan Gosling during the sex.

Let's make this the gayest Valentine's Day ever

Tweeting about being alone on Valentine's Day is why you're alone on Valentine's Day.

Thanks for giving me a Valentine's Day I don't actually have to lie about

The only way I could be lonelier today is if the Internet stopped working

Happy Valentine's Day and Black History Month to my African American lover

I promise to give a less embarrassing performance this Valentine's Day than musical performers did at the Super Bowl

Let's celebrate Van Halentine's Day this year

The only thing worse than spending Valentine's Day with a Steelers fan would be spending Valentine's Day with a Steelers quarterback

Valentine's Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine's Day

Just remember that being alone on Valentine's Day is no different than any other day of your life

I'm glad you recognize how terrible your life would be without me

I was wondering if you could lend me money for the perfect Valentine's Day date I want to take you on

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