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    Prepare yourself for the best time you can possibly have offline this Valentine's Day.

    Prepare yourself for the best time you can possibly have offline this Valentine's Day.

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    I hope you prepare more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

    I hope you prepare more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

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    Take comfort in knowing your Valentine's Day as a single person will still be more romantic than Valentine's Day as a married person.

    Take comfort in knowing your Valentine's Day as a single person will still be more romantic than Valentine's Day as a married person.

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    I want to wake up in your legs.

    I want to wake up in your legs

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    Let's celebrate 364 days without having to be thoughtful towards our loved ones.

    Let's celebrate 364 days without having to be thoughtful towards our loved ones.

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    Sorry the only ring you're wearing this Valentine's Day is a contraceptive in your vagina.

    Sorry the only ring you're wearing this Valentine's Day is a contraceptive in your vagina

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    Let's watch your shows this Valentine's Day.

    Let's watch your shows this Valentine's Day

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    Let's ironically celebrate Valentine's Day by going on a date.

    Let's ironically celebrate Valentine's Day by going on a date

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    Be on the short list to be my Valentine.

    Be on the short list to be my Valentine

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    Hug a loner this Valentine's Day.

    Hug a loner this Valentine's Day

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    I feel like I could listen to you forever in 140-character-or-less increments.

    I feel like I could listen to you forever in 140-character-or-less increments

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    There's no one else I'd rather spend this annual obligation with.

    There's no one else I'd rather spend this annual obligation with

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    There simply must be a correlation between quantity of chocolate purchased and anal sex permitted.

    There simply must be a correlation between quantity of chocolate purchased and anal sex permitted

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    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day.

    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day

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    I'd love to not hear all about your Valentine's Day.

    I'd love to not hear all about your Valentine's Day

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    I love you more than Newt Gingrich loves abandoning a sick wife.

    I love you more than Newt Gingrich loves abandoning a sick wife

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    This Valentine's Day, make me scream as if I was seeing The Beatles 50 years ago.

    This Valentine's Day, make me scream as if I was seeing The Beatles 50 years ago.

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    Let's celebrate not having to celebrate Valentine's Day.

    Let's celebrate not having to celebrate Valentine's Day

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    Let's make this the gayest Valentine's Day ever.

    Let's make this the gayest Valentine's Day ever

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    This Valentine's Day, expect the finest flowers still available on Valentine's Day.

    This Valentine's Day, expect the finest flowers still available on Valentine's Day

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