•  

    My one true love is the workweek ending.

    My one true love is the workweek ending.

  •  

    Sorry that right now there's a 4th grader who has 29 more Valentines than you do.

    Sorry that right now there's a 4th grader who has 29 more Valentines than you do.

  •  

    Being emotionally drained from planning our Valentine's Day date won't stop me from loving you.

    Being emotionally drained from planning our Valentine's Day date won't stop me from loving you.

  •  

    Happy 4th Valentine’s Day to the condom in your wallet.

    Happy 4th Valentine’s Day to the condom in your wallet.

  •  

    For Valentine's Day, I pledge to only ignore a quarter of what you say.

    For Valentine's Day, I pledge to only ignore a quarter of what you say.

  •  

    My thoughts of you this Valentine's Day are as impure as anyone's motives on House of Cards.

    My thoughts of you this Valentine's Day are as impure as anyone's motives on House of Cards.

  •  

    I'm getting all the demented drama I expect on Valentine's Day just by staying home to watch House of Cards.

    I'm getting all the demented drama I expect on Valentine's Day just by staying home to watch House of Cards.

  •  

    May Derek Jeter's retirement remind you to finish before your performance declines this Valentine's Day.

    May Derek Jeter's retirement remind you to finish before your performance declines this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    The only thing more exhausting than planning Valentine's Day is pretending to be excited about it.

    The only thing more exhausting than planning Valentine's Day is pretending to be excited about it.

  •  

    I'd stalk you even if it wasn't so convenient.

    I'd stalk you even if it wasn't so convenient.

  •  

    Your street won't be the only thing getting plowed this Valentine's Day.

    Your street won't be the only thing getting plowed this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    Sorry my period ruined whatever disgusting things you had planned for Valentine's Day.

    Sorry my period ruined whatever disgusting things you had planned for Valentine's Day.

  •  

    Let's hold hands with the hands not holding phones.

    Let's hold hands with the hands not holding phones.

  •  

    I'm going to go ahead and assume it isn't a human resources violation to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day.

    I'm going to go ahead and assume it isn't a human resources violation to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day.

  •  

    Love Coupon: Good for me going down as many times as Shaun White at Sochi.

    Love Coupon: Good for me going down as many times as Shaun White at Sochi.

  •  

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone I'm happy to get flowers for due to reasons other than illness or death.

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone I'm happy to get flowers for due to reasons other than illness or death.

  •  

    I love you more than serial killers love nondescript vans.

    I love you more than serial killers love nondescript vans.

  •  

    This Valentine's Day, I intend to spend as much time on my back as an Olympian qualifying for the luge.

    This Valentine's Day, I intend to spend as much time on my back as an Olympian qualifying for the luge.

  •  

    I look forward to an intimate Valentine's Day with my ex's Facebook page.

    I look forward to an intimate Valentine's Day with my ex's Facebook page.

  •  

    Let's watch some halfpipe this week before moving on to the full pipe this Valentine's Day.

    Let's watch some halfpipe this week before moving on to the full pipe this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    Here's hoping snowstorm preparation is the only reason you need fresh batteries this Valentine's Day.

    Here's hoping snowstorm preparation is the only reason you need fresh batteries this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    This Valentine's Day, my heart will be more open than Bob Costas' left eye.

    This Valentine's Day, my heart will be more open than Bob Costas' left eye.

  •  

    I'd let you kiss me on the mouth immediately after oral sex.

    I'd let you kiss me on the mouth immediately after oral sex.

  •  

    I hope you score more impressively than Ashley Wagner this Valentine's Day.

    I hope you score more impressively than Ashley Wagner this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    This Valentine's Day, make me scream as if I was seeing The Beatles 50 years ago.

    This Valentine's Day, make me scream as if I was seeing The Beatles 50 years ago.

  •  

    Just a reminder that the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony isn't the only thing missing a ring.

    Just a reminder that the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony isn't the only thing missing a ring.

  •  

    I hope you prepare more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

    I hope you prepare more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

  •  

    May your Valentine's Day sex be filthier than the drinking water in Sochi.

    May your Valentine's Day sex be filthier than the drinking water in Sochi.

  •  

    Your love is as indisposable to me as toilet paper in Sochi.

    Your love is as indisposable to me as toilet paper in Sochi.

  •  

    Unlike the Chili Peppers' guitar playing at the Super Bowl, my love for you is real.

    Unlike the Chili Peppers' guitar playing at the Super Bowl, my love for you is real.

  •  

    Prepare yourself for the most romantic Valentine's Day that Groupon has to offer.

    Prepare yourself for the most romantic Valentine's Day that Groupon has to offer.

  •  

    I wish someone loved me enough to buy me a crappy Valentine's Day gift that proved they don't know me at all.

    I wish someone loved me enough to buy me a crappy Valentine's Day gift that proved they don't know me at all.

  •  

    I'm so happy you found someone to disappoint you this Valentine's Day.

    I'm so happy you found someone to disappoint you this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    You and Valentine's Day chocolates are going straight to my thighs.

    You and Valentine's Day chocolates are going straight to my thighs.

  •  

    I want you or someone else on this dating site to be my Valentine.

    I want you or someone else on this dating site to be my Valentine.

  •  

    Let me know the absolute minimum I have to do to for Valentine's Day to avoid us breaking up.

    Let me know the absolute minimum I have to do to for Valentine's Day to avoid us breaking up.

  •  

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone who has already expressed they are having an unhappy Valentine's Day.

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone who has already expressed they are having an unhappy Valentine's Day.

  •  

    This Valentine's Day, I hope you get shot by Cupid and not a legless Olympic sprinter.

    This Valentine's Day, I hope you get shot by Cupid and not a legless Olympic sprinter.

  •  

    Let's celebrate 364 days without having to be thoughtful towards our loved ones.

    Let's celebrate 364 days without having to be thoughtful towards our loved ones.

  •  

    Love Coupon: Entitles you to one full Valentine's Day of me not complaining about Valentine's Day.

    Love Coupon: Entitles you to one full Valentine's Day of me not complaining about Valentine's Day.

  •  

    Take comfort in knowing your Valentine's Day as a single person will still be more romantic than Valentine's Day as a married person.

    Take comfort in knowing your Valentine's Day as a single person will still be more romantic than Valentine's Day as a married person.

  •  

    This Valentine's Day, I'm wishing you all the love a somewhat logical string of emojis can convey.

    This Valentine's Day, I'm wishing you all the love a somewhat logical string of emojis can convey.

  •  

    This Valentine's Day, I want to take control of your body as badly as the Republican party does.

    This Valentine's Day, I want to take control of your body as badly as the Republican party does.

  •  

    Ash Wednesday is a great way to figure out which girls won't make you wear a condom on Valentine's Day.

    Ash Wednesday is a great way to figure out which girls won't make you wear a condom on Valentine's Day.

  •  

    May your Valentine's Day be full of all the sinful things people are giving up for Lent.

    May your Valentine's Day be full of all the sinful things people are giving up for Lent.

  •  

    Prepare yourself for the best time you can possibly have offline this Valentine's Day.

    Prepare yourself for the best time you can possibly have offline this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    At least North Korea doesn't force its citizens to celebrate Valentine's Day.

    At least North Korea doesn't force its citizens to celebrate Valentine's Day.

  •  

    Love Coupon: Redeemable for one breakfast in bed that doubles as our Valentine's Day dinner.

    Love Coupon: Redeemable for one breakfast in bed that doubles as our Valentine's Day dinner.

  •  

    The best part of being my own date for Valentine's Day is knowing I'm guaranteed to score.

    The best part of being my own date for Valentine's Day is knowing I'm guaranteed to score.

  •  

    I hope you enjoy what the Internet told me to plan for you this Valentine's Day.

    I hope you enjoy what the Internet told me to plan for you this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    May your Valentine's Day manhunt be more successful than the LAPD's.

    May your Valentine's Day manhunt be more successful than the LAPD's.

  •  

    Best of luck trying to reconcile your feminist beliefs with Valentine's Day.

    Best of luck trying to reconcile your feminist beliefs with Valentine's Day.

  •  

    I'm already hating myself at a single-on-Valentine's-Day level.

    I'm already hating myself at a single-on-Valentine's-Day level.

  •  

    You're going to love the thing that you told me to buy you for Valentine's Day.

    You're going to love the thing that you told me to buy you for Valentine's Day

  •  

    My love for you is beyond words so don't expect a Valentine's Day card from me.

    My love for you is beyond words so don't expect a Valentine's Day card from me.

  •  

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone who was way ahead of Monopoly in replacing things in their life with cats.

    Happy Valentine's Day to someone who was way ahead of Monopoly in replacing things in their life with cats.

  •  

    I hope your recently cleared browser history means you've been shopping for my Valentine's Day present.

    I hope your recently cleared browser history means you've been shopping for my Valentine's Day present.

  •  

    Rest assured that however crappy your Valentine's Day is, Instagram can make it look romantic.

    Rest assured that however crappy your Valentine's Day is, Instagram can make it look romantic.

  •  

    May your Valentine's Day dinner have the romantic lighting of a stadium blackout.

    May your Valentine's Day dinner have the romantic lighting of a stadium blackout.

  •  

    Your Valentine's Day gift to me can be letting me off the hook for not getting you a Valentine's Day gift.

    Your Valentine's Day gift to me can be letting me off the hook for not getting you a Valentine's Day gift.

  •  

    Let's have a quiet, relaxing, multi-course dinner cooked by you at home this Valentine's Day.

    Let's have a quiet, relaxing, multi-course dinner cooked by you at home this Valentine's Day.

  •  

    Let's send our thoughts and prayers to Chris Brown's Valentine.

    Let's send our thoughts and prayers to Chris Brown's Valentine.

  •  

    I promise to still find you attractive when you're bloated from the Valentine's Day meal and candy I buy you.

    I promise to still find you attractive when you're bloated from the Valentine's Day meal and candy I buy you.

  •  

    It's never too soon to start planning your last-minute Valentine's Day gesture.

    It's never too soon to start planning your last-minute Valentine's Day gesture.

  •  

    I'm using Pinterest to show people the perfectly romantic Valentine's Day I won't be having.

    I'm using Pinterest to show people the perfectly romantic Valentine's Day I won't be having

  •  

    The only way I could be lonelier today is if the Internet stopped working.

    The only way I could be lonelier today is if the Internet stopped working

  •  

    Tweeting about being alone on Valentine's Day is why you're alone on Valentine's Day.

    Tweeting about being alone on Valentine's Day is why you're alone on Valentine's Day.

  •  

    Happy Valentine's Day from a secret admirer who really exists and isn't just you sending this card to yourself.

    Happy Valentine's Day from a secret admirer who really exists and isn't just you sending this card to yourself

  •  

    Maybe it'll take some pressure off Valentine's Day knowing I'll still be picturing Ryan Gosling during the sex.

    Maybe it'll take some pressure off Valentine's Day knowing I'll still be picturing Ryan Gosling during the sex.

  •  

    You're the top trending topic in the Twitter feed of my heart.

    You're the top trending topic in the Twitter feed of my heart

  •  

    Just a reminder that your Valentine's Day plans for me will be broadcast in real-time on at least three social media platforms.

    Just a reminder that your Valentine's Day plans for me will be broadcast in real-time on at least three social media platforms

  •  

    A satisfactory Valentine's Day is the new marriage proposal.

    A satisfactory Valentine's Day is the new marriage proposal

  •  

    May your Valentine's Day disgust all your single friends.

    May your Valentine's Day disgust all your single friends

  •  

    As long as you keep loving me I can keep hiding my crazy.

    As long as you keep loving me I can keep hiding my crazy.

  •  

    The only thing worse than a Valentine's Day without you is Valentine's Day.

    The only thing worse than a Valentine's Day without you is Valentine's Day

  •  

    Happy Valentine's Day to your pants pocket since it calls me more than you do.

    Happy Valentine's Day to your pants pocket since it calls me more than you do.

  •  

    You're going to love the Valentine's Day plans you told me to make.

    You're going to love the Valentine's Day plans you told me to make

  •  

    The GOP settling for Romney is a great reminder to thank you for settling for me.

    The GOP settling for Romney is a great reminder to thank you for settling for me

  •  

    Let's celebrate not having to celebrate Valentine's Day.

    Let's celebrate not having to celebrate Valentine's Day

  •  

    I'm so proud you're my Valentine that I hope we run into one of my exes.

    I'm so proud you're my Valentine that I hope we run into one of my exes

  •  

    I love you more than Newt Gingrich loves abandoning a sick wife.

    I love you more than Newt Gingrich loves abandoning a sick wife

  •  

    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day.

    May you finish stronger than the New England Patriots this Valentine's Day

  •  

    Don't forget to leave work early today so that people actually think you have Valentine's Day plans.

    Don't forget to leave work early today so that people actually think you have Valentine's Day plans.

  •  

    I wish they could manufacture a holiday that didn't point out my inability to commit.

    I wish they could manufacture a holiday that didn't point out my inability to commit.

  •  

    My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.

    My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection

  •  

    I will always love you, even if I have to always love you from no closer than 300 feet.

    I will always love you, even if I have to always love you from no closer than 300 feet

  •  

    My Valentine runs on batteries.

    My Valentine runs on batteries.

  •  

    Valentine's Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine's Day.

    Valentine's Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine's Day

  •  

    I was wondering if you could lend me money for the perfect Valentine's Day date I want to take you on.

    I was wondering if you could lend me money for the perfect Valentine's Day date I want to take you on

  •  

    Happy Valentine's Day to the person I've slept with most recently.

    Happy Valentine's Day to the person I've slept with most recently.

  •  

    Congratulations on being my first repeat Valentine.

    Congratulations on being my first repeat Valentine

  •  

    Just remember that being alone on Valentine's Day is no different than any other day of your life.

    Just remember that being alone on Valentine's Day is no different than any other day of your life

  •  

    I'm more scared of screwing up Valentine's Day than screwing up our relationship.

    I'm more scared of screwing up Valentine's Day than screwing up our relationship

  •  

    I promise to always tell you the truth about whether or not you look fat if you promise not to get fat.

    I promise to always tell you the truth about whether or not you look fat if you promise not to get fat

  •  

    This Valentine's Day, expect the finest flowers still available on Valentine's Day.

    This Valentine's Day, expect the finest flowers still available on Valentine's Day

  •  

    Valentine's Day and Black History Month are sad reminders of how lonely and white I am.

    Valentine's Day and Black History Month are sad reminders of how lonely and white I am

  •  

    I'd never let a snowstorm interfere with the incredible Valentine's Day plans I haven't made yet.

    I'd never let a snowstorm interfere with the incredible Valentine's Day plans I haven't made yet

  •  

    There's no one else I'd rather spend this annual obligation with.

    There's no one else I'd rather spend this annual obligation with

  •  

    I'll pretend to give a crap about the Super Bowl if you pretend to give a crap about Valentine's Day.

    I'll pretend to give a crap about the Super Bowl if you pretend to give a crap about Valentine's Day

  •  

    Thanks for giving me a Valentine's Day I don't actually have to lie about.

    Thanks for giving me a Valentine's Day I don't actually have to lie about

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