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    Unlike Prince William, you can be sure no one will marry you for fame, fortune, or royalty.

    Unlike Prince William, you can be sure no one will marry you for fame, fortune, or royalty

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    Congratulations on probably not dying alone.

    Congratulations on probably not dying alone

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    I hope anyone is as excited about your wedding as they are about the return of Arrested Development.

    I hope anyone is as excited about your wedding as they are about the return of Arrested Development.

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    I'm happy for you and ashamed of being single.

    I'm happy for you and ashamed of being single

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    Rather than get off the pot, I've decided to shit.

    Rather than get off the pot, I've decided to shit

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    Your destination wedding is the perfect excuse to visit a place I'm not really dying to see.

    Your destination wedding is the perfect excuse to visit a place I'm not really dying to see

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    Thanks for buying an item off our wedding registry that wasn't put there by my spouse.

    Thanks for buying an item off our wedding registry that wasn't put there by my spouse.

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    I'm attending a beautiful wedding in a hideous bridesmaid dress.

    I'm attending a beautiful wedding in a hideous bridesmaid dress

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    Your wedding ceremony was the most beautiful twenty minutes between drinks I've ever witnessed.

    Your wedding ceremony was the most beautiful twenty minutes between drinks I've ever witnessed.

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    You're the most beautiful wife I've ever had.

    You're the most beautiful wife I've ever had

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    Let's focus on pairing single guests to avoid the reality of spending eternity as a couple.

    Let's focus on pairing single guests to avoid the reality of spending eternity as a couple

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    Glad we could squander your entire Memorial or Labor Day weekend.

    Glad we could squander your entire Memorial or Labor Day weekend

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    Do me the honor of being my trophy wife.

    Do me the honor of being my trophy wife

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    Welcome to the family.

    Welcome to the family

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    Congratulations on officially being entitled to take half his stuff if he ever cheats on you.

    Congratulations on officially being entitled to take half his stuff if he ever cheats on you.

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    Please be our guest for some state-sanctioned girl-on-girl nuptials.

    Please be our guest for some state-sanctioned girl-on-girl nuptials.

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    It would be an honor to ruin your wedding.

    It would be an honor to ruin your wedding

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    We'll always cherish the item we exchanged your gift for.

    We'll always cherish the item we exchanged your gift for

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    I just thought of the perfect wedding gift for you but a year has already passed.

    I just thought of the perfect wedding gift for you but a year has already passed

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    Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

    Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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