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    Let's critique people's wedding announcements.

    Let's critique people's wedding announcements

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    Please feel free to call me if your marriage falls apart.

    Please feel free to call me if your marriage falls apart

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    May your wedding weekend never be overshadowed by the daughter of a former president or the daughter of Homer Simpson.

    May your wedding weekend never be overshadowed by the daughter of a former president or the daughter of Homer Simpson

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    May Angelina Jolie not ruin wedding season for brides who weigh over 84 pounds.

    May Angelina Jolie not ruin wedding season for brides who weigh over 84 pounds

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    Let's focus on pairing single guests to avoid the reality of spending eternity as a couple.

    Let's focus on pairing single guests to avoid the reality of spending eternity as a couple

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    Please don't sit me at a loser table.

    Please don't sit me at a loser table

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    Let me know if your bachelorette party needs a discount-rate stripper.

    Let me know if your bachelorette party needs a discount-rate stripper

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    I'm glad we forced our loved ones to buy us tons of stupid crap.

    I'm glad we forced our loved ones to buy us tons of stupid crap

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    Sorry I spent three seconds reviewing the wedding invitation you spent three months on.

    Sorry I spent three seconds reviewing the wedding invitation you spent three months on

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    Being a groomsman means a lot to me and the bridesmaids I'll try to fondle.

    Being a groomsman means a lot to me and the bridesmaids I'll try to fondle

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    Your wedding gift will be our travel expenses.

    Your wedding gift will be our travel expenses

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    Now that we've undertaken the sacred vows of marriage, let's try to cut down on fucking other dudes.

    Now that we've undertaken the sacred vows of marriage, let's try to cut down on fucking other dudes

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    Thanks for not saying no.

    Thanks for not saying no

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    I'm on a diet until the wedding's over.

    I'm on a diet until the wedding's over

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    I want to marry you for all the wrong reasons.

    I want to marry you for all the wrong reasons

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    I'd be honored if you would consider affixing your last name to mine with a hyphen.

    I'd be honored if you would consider affixing your last name to mine with a hyphen

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    Congratulations on marrying the next person you dated after me.

    Congratulations on marrying the next person you dated after me

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    Please feel no obligation to invite me to your gay bachelor party.

    Please feel no obligation to invite me to your gay bachelor party

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    Your wedding day is an important milestone in my self-loathing as a single person.

    Your wedding day is an important milestone in my self-loathing as a single person

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    Your sex life is over.

    Your sex life is over

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