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    May your regrettable behavior this weekend occur primarily off-camera.

    May your regrettable behavior this weekend occur primarily off-camera.

  •  

    Your wedding Web site makes me wonder if you're straight enough to get married.

    Your wedding Web site makes me wonder if you're straight enough to get married

  •  

    Your wedding day is an important milestone in my self-loathing as a single person.

    Your wedding day is an important milestone in my self-loathing as a single person

  •  

    I hope your interfaith wedding leaves everyone feeling like their religion won.

    I hope your interfaith wedding leaves everyone feeling like their religion won

  •  

    We're happy that you were able to come to the wedding despite not having time to RSVP with the self addressed, pre-paid envelope we sent you months ago.

    We're happy that you were able to come to the wedding despite not having time to RSVP with the self addressed, pre-paid envelope we sent you months ago.

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    I'm sure I'll enjoy your wedding despite not enjoying any other wedding I've ever been to.

    I'm sure I'll enjoy your wedding despite not enjoying any other wedding I've ever been to

  •  

    Congratulations on somehow not marrying the wrong person.

    Congratulations on somehow not marrying the wrong person

  •  

    I'd like you to attend a wedding with me as a friend who I'm still going to try and sleep with.

    I'd like you to attend a wedding with me as a friend who I'm still going to try and sleep with

  •  

    I can't wait to get pictures of your wedding so I can replace your spouse with awkwardly cut-out photos of myself.

    I can't wait to get pictures of your wedding so I can replace your spouse with awkwardly cut-out photos of myself.

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    Best of luck getting your private, intimate wedding reception broadcast to millions of complete strangers in the Sunday New York Times.

    Best of luck getting your private, intimate wedding reception broadcast to millions of complete strangers in the Sunday New York Times

  •  

    I want to build a life and corresponding mountain of debt with you.

    I want to build a life and corresponding mountain of debt with you

  •  

    We can't afford you catching the bouquet.

    We can't afford you catching the bouquet

  •  

    We've jointly decided to medicate our marital discord with food.

    We've jointly decided to medicate our marital discord with food.

  •  

    It would mean a lot to me if your wedding guest list included fewer family members and more hot, horny, single women.

    It would mean a lot to me if your wedding guest list included fewer family members and more hot, horny, single women

  •  

    Let me know if your bachelorette party needs a discount-rate stripper.

    Let me know if your bachelorette party needs a discount-rate stripper

  •  

    If you were very credibly accused of murdering an erotic services provider you met via online classifieds, I'd almost definitely call off our wedding.

    If you were very credibly accused of murdering an erotic services provider you met via online classifieds, I'd almost definitely call off our wedding.

  •  

    It's appropriate that I wear your mother's wedding gown, as I plan on becoming as big a whore as she is.

    It's appropriate that I wear your mother's wedding gown, as I plan on becoming as big a whore as she is.

  •  

    I hope you get so many wedding gifts that you don't realize there are none from me.

    I hope you get so many wedding gifts that you don't realize there are none from me.

  •  

    I'm looking forward to your lesbian wedding and my multiple chances of catching a bouquet.

    I'm looking forward to your lesbian wedding and my multiple chances of catching a bouquet

  •  

    I can't wait to attend your gay wedding, assuming ecstasy and poppers will be readily available.

    I can't wait to attend your gay wedding, assuming ecstasy and poppers will be readily available

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