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    I intend to spend my day doing as little as is humanly possible without actually dying.

    I intend to spend my day doing as little as is humanly possible without actually dying.

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    May your weekend be as psychotically reckless as a typical weekday for the mayor of Toronto.

    May your weekend be as psychotically reckless as a typical weekday for the mayor of Toronto.

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    I'll try anything once or until it kills me.

    I'll try anything once or until it kills me.

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    Here's to another Friday evening of false optimism about the weekend.

    Here's to another Friday evening of false optimism about the weekend.

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    Let's alternate blackouts so we can piece together our night.

    Let's alternate blackouts so we can piece together our night.

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    The only thing I'll be getting intimate with this weekend is a box of tampons.

    The only thing I'll be getting intimate with this weekend is a box of tampons.

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    Just wondering on a scale from 1 to David Hasselhoff how drunk you were planning on getting this evening.

    Just wondering on a scale from 1 to David Hasselhoff how drunk you were planning on getting this evening.

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    I obeyed all the traffic laws, except the one about drunk driving.

    I obeyed all the traffic laws, except the one about drunk driving

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    I'm not nearly as afraid of Friday the 13th as I am of people who are afraid of Friday the 13th.

    I'm not nearly as afraid of Friday the 13th as I am of people who are afraid of Friday the 13th.

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    I can't wait for the weekend so I can sit at home and wish I had something better to do.

    I can't wait for the weekend so I can sit at home and wish I had something better to do.

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    Even God is tired of reading your TGIF posts on Facebook.

    Even God is tired of reading your TGIF posts on Facebook.

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    If I overdose, you have my permission to dump my corpse at another location so you don't have to talk to police.

    If I overdose, you have my permission to dump my corpse at another location so you don't have to talk to police.

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    I hope we have so much fun tonight that you have to tell me all about it tomorrow.

    I hope we have so much fun tonight that you have to tell me all about it tomorrow.

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    I hope your weekend isn't as lonely as Lance Armstrong's testicle.

    I hope your weekend isn't as lonely as Lance Armstrong's testicle.

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    I'm counting on you to cancel our plans this weekend.

    I'm counting on you to cancel our plans this weekend.

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    Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.

    Every day can be Friday if you're really irresponsible.

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    I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're not doing anything this weekend.

    I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're not doing anything this weekend.

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    Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank it's Friday.

    Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank it's Friday.

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    I've been training to party at your level.

    I've been training to party at your level

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    Plan on having breakfast at my place.

    Plan on having breakfast at my place

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