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    The only fun part of being single is how much fun married people mistakenly assume I'm having every weekend.

    The only fun part of being single is how much fun married people mistakenly assume I'm having every weekend

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    I have dinner plans this evening.

    I have dinner plans this evening

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    Let's get totally out of control tonight.

    Let's get totally out of control tonight

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    It wouldn't be a sausage fest without you.

    It wouldn't be a sausage fest without you

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    I take my work home on the weekends by doing absolutely nothing there either.

    I take my work home on the weekends by doing absolutely nothing there either.

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    Just a heads up that you're running out of time to invite me to your summer house this weekend.

    Just a heads up that you're running out of time to invite me to your summer house this weekend.

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    May your weekend be less stressful now that the morning-after pill is readily available for all ages.

    May your weekend be less stressful now that the morning-after pill is readily available for all ages.

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    Thank God It's The Day Of The Week I Can Behave Godlessly.

    Thank God It's The Day Of The Week I Can Behave Godlessly.

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    Let’s waste the weekend complaining about our workweeks.

    Let’s waste the weekend complaining about our workweeks.

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    It's safe to say I regret everything from last night.

    It's safe to say I regret everything from last night

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    I wait until Thursday to ask people about their weekend plans so there's a better chance they're already busy.

    I wait until Thursday to ask people about their weekend plans so there's a better chance they're already busy.

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    I've mapped out my Saturday.

    I've mapped out my Saturday

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    Let's be very clear about who's bringing what type of alcohol.

    Let's be very clear about who's bringing what type of alcohol

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    People have major expectations for your party.

    People have major expectations for your party

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    I'm totally up for a man date.

    I'm totally up for a man date

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    I usually set aside Sunday nights for debilitating self-pity.

    I usually set aside Sunday nights for debilitating self-pity

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    I know where there are hot skanks.

    I know where there are hot skanks

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    Someone's got to make a call on what we're doing tonight.

    Someone's got to make a call on what we're doing tonight

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    Let's drink tonight like we're Facebook employees and drink more when we remember we're not.

    Let's drink tonight like we're Facebook employees and drink more when we remember we're not.

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    Let's invite ugly friends out tonight to highlight our cuteness.

    Let's invite ugly friends out tonight to highlight our cuteness

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