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    The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

    The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

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    I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.

    I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.

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    Bringing gym clothes to work is the new going to the gym.

    Bringing gym clothes to work is the new going to the gym.

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    I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

    I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

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    It's so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.

    It's so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.

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    Leaving the office for lunch is the new vacation day.

    Leaving the office for lunch is the new vacation day.

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    Sometimes I like to treat myself at work and just do one thing at a time.

    Sometimes I like to treat myself at work and just do one thing at a time.

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    I've already accomplished my New Year's resolution of crying at a lower volume in the bathroom at work Monday morning.

    I've already accomplished my New Year's resolution of crying at a lower volume in the bathroom at work Monday morning.

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    I work harder at getting the office temperature right than I do at my actual job.

    I work harder at getting the office temperature right than I do at my actual job.

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    I'm worried how I'm going to fit the 15 minutes of work I actually do into this four-day workweek.

    I'm worried how I'm going to fit the 15 minutes of work I actually do into this four-day workweek.

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    I'd be amazing at my job if taking dumps led to as much success for me as it did for Hank on Breaking Bad.

    I'd be amazing at my job if taking dumps led to as much success for me as it did for Hank on Breaking Bad.

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    Here's to all the heroes who save their morning dumps for work so they can get paid to poop.

    Here's to all the heroes who save their morning dumps for work so they can get paid to poop.

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    Warning Sign: I am likely to send an email talking shit about you as soon as you leave my cubicle.

    Warning Sign: I am likely to send an email talking shit about you as soon as you leave my cubicle.

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    Here's to Peyton Manning for universally lowering the bar on job performance today.

    Here's to Peyton Manning for universally lowering the bar on job performance today.

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    Thank god my job offers mental health benefits so I can talk to a therapist about my job destroying my will to live.

    Thank god my job offers mental health benefits so I can talk to a therapist about my job destroying my will to live.

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    I can't tell if I'm hungover or if it's just Monday.

    I can't tell if I'm hungover or if it's just Monday.

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    I'll be working and masturbating from home today.

    I'll be working and masturbating from home today

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    You're the coworker I miss emailing from a few feet away the most.

    You're the coworker I miss emailing from a few feet away the most.

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    I've love to come to happy hour but I already have plans after work to not be around people from work.

    I've love to come to happy hour but I already have plans after work to not be around people from work.

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    I shat where I eat.

    I shat where I eat

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