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    It's so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.

    It's so quiet in the office today, I can hear myself not working.

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    I try to avoid workplace romances by only flirting with gay guys.

    I try to avoid workplace romances by only flirting with gay guys

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    I'm glad my commute isn't as excruciating as the one to the Golden Globes stage.

    I'm glad my commute isn't as excruciating as the one to the Golden Globes stage.

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    If somebody has to do it, it might as well not be me.

    If somebody has to do it, it might as well not be me.

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    Working is a thankless job.

    Working is a thankless job.

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    Money doesn't solve problems, but it could solve my money problem.

    Money doesn't solve problems, but it could solve my money problem.

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    Stop whatever you're doing and finish this thing I forgot to do.

    Stop whatever you're doing and finish this thing I forgot to do.

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    I've recently discovered the best mascara for crying in my cubicle.

    I've recently discovered the best mascara for crying in my cubicle.

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    The morning is a success if I make it to lunch without eating my lunch.

    The morning is a success if I make it to lunch without eating my lunch.

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    It makes me uncomfortable to see you pretend not to watch over me while I pretend to work.

    It makes me uncomfortable to see you pretend not to watch over me while I pretend to work.

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    I'm sorry I was 30 minutes late to the job in which I already work ungodly amounts of unpaid overtime.

    I'm sorry I was 30 minutes late to the job in which I already work ungodly amounts of unpaid overtime.

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    The next best thing to quitting my job is fantasizing about quitting my job.

    The next best thing to quitting my job is fantasizing about quitting my job.

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    I live in fear of never being fired.

    I live in fear of never being fired.

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    I've discovered that the only good use for my business card is as an emergency toothpick.

    I've discovered that the only good use for my business card is as an emergency toothpick.

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    Sometimes I like to treat myself at work and just do one thing at a time.

    Sometimes I like to treat myself at work and just do one thing at a time.

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    You make sexual harassment lawsuits look hot.

    You make sexual harassment lawsuits look hot.

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    I only come into work to earn more time off.

    I only come into work to earn more time off.

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    Sometimes I run out of unproductive things to do at work.

    Sometimes I run out of unproductive things to do at work.

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    This job hasn't killed me or made me stronger.

    This job hasn't killed me or made me stronger.

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    Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.

    Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.

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