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    I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.

    I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.

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    I'd ask you to go fuck yourself, but you'd probably just delegate that to me too.

    I'd ask you to go fuck yourself, but you'd probably just delegate that to me too.

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    I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

    I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

  •  

    Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.

    Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.

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    Please figure this out and get back to me asap even though it would take me less time to do it myself than to write this email.

    Please figure this out and get back to me asap even though it would take me less time to do it myself than to write this email.

  •  

    It feels like a Tuesday.

    It feels like a Tuesday

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    The next best thing to quitting my job is fantasizing about quitting my job.

    The next best thing to quitting my job is fantasizing about quitting my job.

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    I've recently discovered the best mascara for crying in my cubicle.

    I've recently discovered the best mascara for crying in my cubicle.

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    I need a time billing code for not doing shit.

    I need a time billing code for not doing shit

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    Your name still comes up at work whenever something goes horribly wrong and we don't want to take the blame.

    Your name still comes up at work whenever something goes horribly wrong and we don't want to take the blame

  •  

    I only come into work to earn more time off.

    I only come into work to earn more time off

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    I couldn't get through Mondays without knowing you're equally miserable.

    I couldn't get through Mondays without knowing you're equally miserable

  •  

    Sorry no one had any questions after your presentation.

    Sorry no one had any questions after your presentation

  •  

    Let's boost office morale by going out to drink and complain about office morale.

    Let's boost office morale by going out to drink and complain about office morale

  •  

    I'm not sure about the new guy.

    I'm not sure about the new guy

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    On your workplace rampage, I'd appreciate being killed last.

    On your workplace rampage, I'd appreciate being killed last

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    Sometimes I like to treat myself at work and just do one thing at a time.

    Sometimes I like to treat myself at work and just do one thing at a time.

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    This job isn't quite working for me.

    This job isn't quite working for me

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    It's time to make out in your office.

    It's time to make out in your office

  •  

    Let's set aside some time for trashing coworkers.

    Let's set aside some time for trashing coworkers

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