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    Friday is my favorite day of the week to start dreading Monday.

    Friday is my favorite day of the week to start dreading Monday.

  •  

    Bringing gym clothes to work is the new going to the gym.

    Bringing gym clothes to work is the new going to the gym.

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    My workout consists of walking around the office lying to people about going to the gym.

    My workout consists of walking around the office lying to people about going to the gym.

  •  

    I'd happily grant asylum to fugitive whistleblowers if it led to more cancelled meetings.

    I'd happily grant asylum to fugitive whistleblowers if it led to more cancelled meetings.

  •  

    Thanks for barely sexually harassing me during my internship.

    Thanks for barely sexually harassing me during my internship.

  •  

    I need some serious caffeine to not function at work.

    I need some serious caffeine to not function at work.

  •  

    I've never remotely suspected my coworkers of taking anything that would enhance their performance.

    I've never remotely suspected my coworkers of taking anything that would enhance their performance.

  •  

    Happy Shark Week to my cold-blooded, dead-eyed coworkers.

    Happy Shark Week to my cold-blooded, dead-eyed coworkers.

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    Thanks for not being good enough at my job to take it from me while I was on vacation.

    Thanks for not being good enough at my job to take it from me while I was on vacation.

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    Before you head out on vacation, I just want to say I need you to work instead of heading out on vacation.

    Before you head out on vacation, I just want to say I need you to work instead of heading out on vacation.

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    I hope your vacation is better than your job performance.

    I hope your vacation is better than your job performance.

  •  

    There's no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.

    There's no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.

  •  

    The closest I'll get to a vacation is the far-away look in my eyes.

    The closest I'll get to a vacation is the far-away look in my eyes.

  •  

    Eating a salad at your desk is the only thing more depressing than work itself.

    Eating a salad at your desk is the only thing more depressing than work itself.

  •  

    You wear less clothing at work than most strippers do.

    You wear less clothing at work than most strippers do.

  •  

    May your workday be as forgiving as Anthony Weiner's wife.

    May your workday be as forgiving as Anthony Weiner's wife.

  •  

    Here's to doing as little work today as the royal baby will do in his entire life.

    Here's to doing as little work today as the royal baby will do in his entire life.

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    Let's make Monday at our crappy jobs slightly more depressing with constant reminders that we weren't born into royalty.

    Let's make Monday at our crappy jobs slightly more depressing with constant reminders that we weren't born into royalty.

  •  

    I hope your sweat from the heat wave helps cover up your sweat from having no idea how the hell to do your job.

    I hope your sweat from the heat wave helps cover up your sweat from having no idea how the hell to do your job.

  •  

    I work harder at getting the office temperature right than I do at my actual job.

    I work harder at getting the office temperature right than I do at my actual job.

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