•  

    Thanks for being the kind of boss who is even more determined to leave early than I am.

    Thanks for being the kind of boss who is even more determined to leave early than I am.

  •  

    My condolences on all the small talk you must endure because of your desk's proximity to the elevator.

    My condolences on all the small talk you must endure because of your desk's proximity to the elevator.

  •  

    At least not having an office window means you'll never know how nice it is outside.

    At least not having an office window means you'll never know how nice it is outside.

  •  

    I can hardly smell that you've decided to start riding your bike to work.

    I can hardly smell that you've decided to start riding your bike to work.

  •  

    Let's have the same meeting multiple times.

    Let's have the same meeting multiple times.

  •  

    Wednesday means we’re halfway through half-assing our work for the week.

    Wednesday means we’re halfway through half-assing our work for the week.

  •  

    No one makes tasteful, non-threatening urinal small talk quite like you.

    No one makes tasteful, non-threatening urinal small talk quite like you.

  •  

    I'd be more scared of North Korea if I wasn't already threatened daily by a clueless egomaniac less powerful than he thinks he is.

    I'd be more scared of North Korea if I wasn't already threatened daily by a clueless egomaniac less powerful than he thinks he is.

  •  

    I increased productivity at work by calling in sick today.

    I increased productivity at work by calling in sick today.

  •  

    I love how not knowing anything doesn't penalize us in our office pool or in our office in general.

    I love how not knowing anything doesn't penalize us in our office pool or in our office in general.

  •  

    You're my favorite person in the office because you make me feel comparatively productive.

    You're my favorite person in the office because you make me feel comparatively productive.

  •  

    I'm glad we don't have to emit black smoke out a chimney every time nothing gets done around here.

    I'm glad we don't have to emit black smoke out a chimney every time nothing gets done around here.

  •  

    I bet the Papal Conclave can pick a Pope more easily than my office can pick a place to order lunch.

    I bet the Papal Conclave can pick a Pope more easily than my office can pick a place to order lunch.

  •  

    May the new Facebook changes make it harder for employers to find embarrassing photos of you.

    May the new Facebook changes make it harder for employers to find embarrassing photos of you.

  •  

    A 13-hour Senate filibuster is no match for my daily output of wasted time.

    A 13-hour Senate filibuster is no match for my daily output of wasted time.

  •  

    Office Coupon: Entitles you to one day of me pretending a Frappuccino is an acceptable drink for a man.

    Office Coupon: Entitles you to one day of me pretending a Frappuccino is an acceptable drink for a man.

  •  

    Office Coupon: Good for one day where I don't condescendingly point out the misspellings and grammatical errors in your emails.

    Office Coupon: Good for one day where I don't condescendingly point out the misspellings and grammatical errors in your emails.

  •  

    I wish I could retire like the Pope before my legacy becomes even more embarrassing.

    I wish I could retire like the Pope before my legacy becomes even more embarrassing.

  •  

    Office Coupon: Redeemable for one hour of me not walking over to your desk to ask if you read an email I just sent you.

    Office Coupon: Redeemable for one hour of me not walking over to your desk to ask if you read an email I just sent you.

  •  

    Office Coupon: Good for one warning that someone relatively important is about to walk past your computer screen.

    Office Coupon: Good for one warning that someone relatively important is about to walk past your computer screen.

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