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    I can't help but wonder what real Jews are doing today.

    I can't help but wonder what real Jews are doing today

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    This Yom Kippur, let's be grateful for a year of being too broke to indulge in our usual laundry list of appalling sins.

    This Yom Kippur, let's be grateful for a year of being too broke to indulge in our usual laundry list of appalling sins

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    I'd like to atone for all the obnoxious ecards I've sent you this year.

    I'd like to atone for all the obnoxious ecards I've sent you this year

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    Sorry you can't go online this Yom Kippur without being barraged by photos of what your friends are eating.

    Sorry you can't go online this Yom Kippur without being barraged by photos of what your friends are eating.

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    Let's embrace our Jewish faith by sleeping until 11:00 a.m. so we can feel slightly hungry for a shorter timespan.

    Let's embrace our Jewish faith by sleeping until 11:00 a.m. so we can feel slightly hungry for a shorter timespan

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    Sorry a day off for Yom Kippur is more miserable than a day at work.

    Sorry a day off for Yom Kippur is more miserable than a day at work.

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    I can't wait to break the Yom Kippur fast I'm not keeping.

    I can't wait to break the Yom Kippur fast I'm not keeping

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    My presidential candidate is much better than your presidential candidate at pandering to Jews on Yom Kippur.

    My presidential candidate is much better than your presidential candidate at pandering to Jews on Yom Kippur.

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    I fast to repent for sins and ideally shed a few pounds.

    I fast to repent for sins and ideally shed a few pounds

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    Congratulations on sustaining your Yom Kippur fast until you felt a little bit hungry and had breakfast.

    Congratulations on sustaining your Yom Kippur fast until you felt a little bit hungry and had breakfast.

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    I'm fucking starving.

    I'm fucking starving

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    You make even a tiny religious cap look sexy.

    You make even a tiny religious cap look sexy

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    Not eating this Yom Kippur has given me a new found respect for your anorexia.

    Not eating this Yom Kippur has given me a new found respect for your anorexia.

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    I'd like to be the reason you have to atone for your sins this Yom Kippur.

    I'd like to be the reason you have to atone for your sins this Yom Kippur.

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    Sorry I thought Yom Kippur was a Led Zeppelin song.

    Sorry I thought Yom Kippur was a Led Zeppelin song.

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