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May your day of atonement be filled with misery

I'm fucking starving

On the holiest day of the year, I will complain about having to go to synagogue

I fast to repent for sins and ideally shed a few pounds

Tomorrow I will atone for barely being a Jew all year

I'm Jewish today

Have a good whatever Jewish holiday it is

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Eric Ledgin

"Maybe I'll just stay in and read." -person about to refresh Twitter over and over for five hours
daveanthony

The sexting that goes on in Japan must be horrifying.
Steve Huff

TIME's Person of the Year is The Protester. OCCUPY TIME. #OCCUPY
Josh Donoghue

Hoping to get so drunk at my office holiday party that they forget how drunk I was last year.
james coker

Now I know where my mom got that Derek Jeter signed baseball.
Jenny Johnson

I can't believe Mary's parents bought that whole "pregnant virgin" story.
rob delaney

"New Year's Eve" was so good that my infant daughter's face now sickens me because she will never be that beautiful.
Jen Statsky

It's weird that "Why Are These Things Trending?" isn't always trending.
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