Dating is ruff.
This guy knows it.
If you're single, you know that feeling — getting off-leash in the dog park, excited to run around, only to discover that every other dog there is currently humping or being humped on. How did you end up so alone?
Your friends might not want to tell you the truth because they're afraid of hurting your feelings — but we'll tell you what's up. Dogs, here are 10 brutally truthful reasons why you're still single.
1. You're licking your crotch at the wrong time.
If you're only licking your crotch around your friends, you are missing out on a great opportunity to draw attention to your genitals. The next time you're on a walk, when you see another dog, immediately drop to the ground and start tonguing your crotch. We bet you'll like the results!
2. You're neutered, but you only want a girl that isn't spayed.
All the public crotch licking in the world won't do any good if you're not realistic about the kinds of women you can date. If your sex organs have been removed but you only want to date girls that are still fertile, you need to take a realistic look at your life.
3. You act like you're not house-trained to get attention.
Pooping outside? Sexy. Pooping inside? You're either sick or desperate. Both are unattractive.
4. You fall for breed stereotypes.
Just because you fooled around with one St. Bernard that helped rescue people in the Alps doesn't mean that ALL St. Bernards do that. While we're at it, most retrievers don't go hunting, most sheepdogs don't herd sheep, and yup, pointers don't point.
5. You sniff other butts, but you won't let yours be sniffed.
We all know how satisfying it is to sniff another dog's anal glands and, through pheromones, learn about that dog's age and fertility. But if you won't let yourself be vulnerable enough to offer your anal glands in trade, you'll never find a mate.
6. You're a player.
Girls like it when you catch the Frisbee sometimes, but they're not looking for a man who wants to play with the Frisbee all the time. If you know when to put the Kong down, it'll be easier to pick a woman up.
7. You bit a human child.
Your friends will never be truthful about this one — yes, that muzzle is turning dogs off.
8. You're still hung up on that time you saw your mom eat your stillborn brother.
You can't let things from your past make you afraid of future commitment. Just because your mother ate her stillborn child doesn't mean that you will.
9. You're eating your own poop...
...and you're not sharing. If you have your eye on a particular pup, save half of your feces for him/her.
10. You hate yourself.
You can't really go running through the field with someone else until you can go running through the field with yourself.
(images via Thinkstock)