Because you've been looking for a bird that's halfway between a cute animal and a David Croenberg monster.
The San Diego Zoo has some new residents: two rare Dalmatian pelican chicks. I am in love with them because they're 50% adorable and 50% horrifying. If you watch that video, you'll see that they look like reanimated raw chickens with a dry-heaving problem... in the most adorable way possible. If April Ludgate was to ever get a pet besides Champion, I think this would be it.
The Dalmatian pelican is the largest pelican species in the world, so while these guys might be wingless little nerds right now, they'll eventually grow to have a wingspan of up to 11 feet. The pelicans' parents "are unable to raise them" (my guess is that their careers are too demanding), so zookeepers are playing nanny for the moment.