Dogs may be idiots and cats are often jerks, but the most baffling part of why we love them so much is how gosh-darn revolting and unbelievably unhygienic they can be. If it wasn't for all their unconditional love and affection—which, you must admit, is pretty nice—we'd be hard-pressed to explain why we let them into our homes (and often our beds). Fortunately, they're pretty cute.
1. oreosprinkles is sorry for this, but now you’ll always think about Waffles the next time you’re having waffles.
Waffles got into something (my husband and I still aren’t quite sure what... just all of a sudden, he had diarrhea), and so we had been monitoring him and letting him rest. I decide to go check up on him, and he’s surrounded by a pool of mucus and shit…and he’s eating it! Apparently, he had shit himself, then ate his shit, then vomited up the shit, then proceeded to eat up the shit-vomit. A couple hours later, he vomited again, and then tried to eat more of his shit-vomit.
2. Nothing like some good ol’ backyard chicken, right, je_taime?
As we were walking at night, he sneaked a piece of rotting chicken skin and feathers into his mouth in the area where a coyote had shredded up some neighbor’s backyard chicken. Since this was on a vacant lot, nobody had cleaned up the mess of feathers and two feet.
3. It was a night around Christmas, and all through the house, a screaming, freaked-out tinsel-turd-cat ran all through the house. Thanks, ebiaski.
A few years back during Christmas, my cat ate some tinsel. He comes running out of the litter box and he is freaking out. Out of his ass is some tinsel with a turd stuck on it. As my wife is screaming about a turd being dragged on our hardwood floors I am chasing after him. I finally catch him and pull the turd tinsel out. My wife had to mop the floor.
4. Hey, Anemone5, at least he didn’t eat it.
There’s a street dog that lives near my work and today I gave him some quick pets before walking through the front door. But no sooner did I pet him than he walked over and found roadkill that had been there a few days and had been ground into a flat, dried unrecognizable husk—I think it might have been a cat, dunno—what my father would call a “sail-cat” because when sufficiently flattened and dried it could be peeled off the concrete and made to fly like a Frisbee. Anyway, the second he sniffs this thing, with cars honking at him as they go by for how close to traffic he was, he lays down on it, rubbing his eye-gland and chest on it, on both sides, as if marking it with his scent.
5. Oh, but Shannegans’s dog did.
Toby tried to eat a flattened, dried out toad that had been sitting in the dirt for god only knows how long. Seriously, you ever tried to wrestle toad jerky out of corgis mouth, when corgis are notorious for eating anything within reach? It was a low moment for both of us.
6. Hair it is, from CharlieBear26: the most purrrfectly awful story.
My cat likes eating hair/string/long fibrous stuff. So on occasion she’ll have hair embedded in her poop as she’s taking a dump. One day, she got nearly all the poop out EXCEPT there was a long hair still anchoring a fat turd to her bum. She freaks out and starts running in circles. All. Over. The. House. I heard her meowing and I rushed into my bedroom to see poop being flung in circles everywhere. So there she is chasing her tail while there’s a perfect 360-degree poop rotation hitting everything it comes close too. It took me all day to clean shit off of every surface I own, all while she sat up on the windowsill judging me.
7. RikiOh knows that when you see a dog being gross you just roll with it.
I hate outhouses and so I just poop in the woods when camping. Don’t judge me. The gross dog (a golden retriever) rolled into it. We got the dog to chase a stick into the lake, but that didn’t get rid of stink.
8. CherryCandee never puts her hands in her pockets. Not after this encounter with an old dog, anyway.
I have no idea how it happened. The tech took him to the back to do something (probably a vaccine or bloodwork) and I heard “OH MY GOD” so I freaked out a bit thinking he died because he was pretty old (I adopted him from the humane society and they said he was around 15, this appointment was 7 years later), but then I heard a bunch of laughter and she came out and told me he pooped in her pocket. Neither of us knew how that was even possible.
9. In most of the world, Wowdudebummer, they call it poopball.
My cat took a fresh piece of its poop out of the litter box and played soccer with it resulting in poo streaks all over the floor.
10. SaltyBabe experienced the dog-sick version of a double rainbow.
Stole roughly 2 pounds of blueberry jelly beans out of someone’s luggage and ate them. She was sick for a week but right after she ate them she drank water which made her vomit up neon blue foamy slime. Also her poops turned ultra green and gooey for several days.
11. This tale from Nuva_Ringtoss is 99 percent effective in making you want to vomit.
We had come to an intersection, and were looking both ways to cross the street when I noticed his head and neck quickly shoot down. I scooped him up and stuck my fingers in his mouth to scoop whatever it was out before he got a chance to chew on it or swallow it...only to fish-out a used condom.
12. mega05 and their dog would like to welcome you to the bone zone.
She built up a collection of rotten bones buried in secret locations throughout the backyard, but in her old age she decided that her treasure would be safer inside the house. She dug them all up and secretly carried them back into the house one at a time to hide them under the blanket of her dog bed. We couldn’t figure out why she smelled so bad even just a day or two after a bath until it was time to clean her bed and we found about 20 rotting bones covering 3 or 4 years of activity.
13. Bobozmbiecan shouldn’t have interrupted the cat during dinner. It’s impolite.
Ate a dead mouse on my chest while I was asleep. I woke up to her half way through her meal.
14. You’re almost as gross as your dog, rabbit_heart.
‘Twas the night before thanksgiving. Dog pulled defrosting turkey off the counter, unwrapped it, dragged it to the living room, skillfully removed the organs, and placed them out on to the carpet for display. We still ate the turkey, so I guess it wasn’t too bad.
15. Dear ljuvlig, please explain how this putrid nightmare is even possible?
Dog begins gagging in me bed. I grab some paper towels and put it under her face. Which means I’m leaning over her, with my face right behind her butt. She simultaneously barfs and blows diarrhea all over my face and hair.
16. Like everything else cats do, Minksie chose the middle of the night to gift uzumaki222 with the miracle of life.
My cat gave birth on me. In the middle of the night I woke up wet on my side and turned on the light to find it was amniotic fluid and blood, and Minksie straining to give birth.
17. homehealthgirl‘s dog just isn’t a Pearl Girl.
Artemis learned how to open a cabinet while my roommate and I were eating dinner. Obviously she felt left out because she came out of the bathroom chewing on a used tampon. This was prior to her learning "drop it", I'd had her for maybe three weeks?
She swallowed it whole so I had to call the vet. -.- luckily she passed it the next morning but we still had X-Rays done.
18. For a second, waghag thought Santa had come and was very angry.
Hide his shit in the tree skirt under the Christmas tree.
19. Tatterdemalion_ gives us the rare story of a dog expelling something from somewhere besides its mouth or anus.
I have a little rescued pug named Beau. He’s a weird dog. One day, I get home and he’s acting very strange. Stumbling around, itching his head, and sneezing non-stop. These are serious sneezes. I mean. He was basically propelling himself backwards with the sheer force of his constant pug-sneezing. Needless to say, I was a little concerned, so after it didn’t stop after a few hours I scheduled an appointment with a vet the next day. However, turns out it wasn’t necessary, because immediately after I hang up the phone, Beau sneezes a freakin’ two-inch long stick out of his nose. Keep in mind his head is the size of a softball. He must have eaten it and it had gotten stuck in his sinuses. After sneezing it up, he just happily trotted away as if nothing happened.
20. Tommy-gutrot proves that cats are nasty monsters who will one day rise up and eat us.
Ate the guts out of another dead cat that was killed by a dog. It was winter so we left the dead cat on our porch in a wooden crate waiting for its owner to get home so we could bury it. Went outside and their other cat was eating the damn guts out of the cat! I lost a lot of respect for cats that day.