I live with two cats along with my fiancée.
Despite any disparaging remarks I might make about these two felines, I do consider them dear, dear friends. Just like real people, a lot of times your friends can be real dicks.
Dogs have their own issues, but they're usually not dicks. I've always wanted a dog and never had one. My lifestyle is not conducive towards dog ownership. Perhaps this is why I place dog expectations on my cats. Here is how they let me down when compared to dogs:
They aren't happy to see me when I get home.
I briefly convinced myself otherwise. When I come home from work they're always waiting by the door for me. I began to believe this was a form of affection. The truth is they weren't happy to see me at all. They were only happy to see my hand that puts food into their bowls. Instead of jumping on me with excitement, they immediately begin running in circles around their empty bowls and getting mad at me for having to pee.
They suck at playing fetch.
Cats refuse to play fetch. I'm pretty sure they could if they wanted to, but they will never want to. One of my cats will chase after a thrown toy with great urgency. Said toy is never returned to me via cat, forcing me to get up and fetch it myself. The other one lacks even that much interest. When a toy is thrown near her, she continues to sit comfortably and looks up at me with an expression that says “Why would you do that? Now someone has to pick it up, you idiot."
Taking a cat for a walk is a terrible idea.
Anytime this thought crosses my mind, I quickly realize how crazy it is thirty seconds later. I do not want to be the guy who is walking a leashed cat around an up-and-coming neighborhood in Queens. Sometimes I just feel like they might enjoy the fresh air and seeing something new. I'm usually just projecting my own desires onto them. In these cases I take a walk without them and everything works out fine.
Teaching cats tricks is a waste of time for all involved.
Yes, I'm aware cats can not and will not do tricks. Regardless, I've spent more time than I'm comfortable admitting trying to teach a cat to respond to my commands. This is because I've met people who have told me cats can in fact do tricks. They insist. These people are lousy dirty liars. Do not trust them.
In the interest of equal time I'm going to offer a brief rebuttal in defense of cats. There is one category where cats are superior to dogs. Pooping. Pooping and peeing. They poop and pee in a box without needing any help from you to do so. That's gotta be worth something.
(Photos via Justin Laub/Thinkstock)