Today is the 31st anniversary of the debut of Ann M. Martin's seminal series The Babysitter's Club. Which means that all the Babysitters are 42 or 43 years old by now and probably even have kids of their own -- except for Claudia who is most likely way too busy being awesome all of the time.
In celebration of this glorious anniversary, I have compiled a list of things that anyone who ever read the series (basically every lady of a certain age) knows to be true about our friends the Babysitters.
TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS!
1. Mallory was the worst. OR WAS SHE?
Oh god. Fucking Mallory. She was totally the Enid Rollins of the bunch. You can totally tell that Ann M. Martin did not care for Mallory Pike, as was later proven when she gave a talk a few years ago about what all the Babysitters were doing as adults and said she had "no strong feelings" about what Mallory was doing.
Every other Babysitter had characteristics that made them cool or interesting. Sometimes as literally as Dawn being "California Cool." But Mallory? Mallory was just real bitchy and annoying all of the time. But when you really think about it, if you were living in the 19 Kids and Counting house and your parents were all like "Oh hey, 11 year old, take care of all the kids we had because what even is birth control?," you might be in a bad mood sometimes as well. Also, the girl literally had to go to boarding school for a week or something because the kids in her class were so crappy to her about being nervous when she was asked to teach an 8th grade class. Her own family hates her and puts on plays about how she is grouchy.
Mallory should basically be commended for not going all "I Don't Like Mondays" on the world. And she had her cool points too, like when she dressed up like Emily Dickinson for reasons I do not entirely remember. That is pretty cool for an 11-year-old, I would say.
2. Logan Bruno was the worst, but for real.
Ugh. Logan Bruno, amirite? Remember the time he decided babysitting was not cool and joined a gang called the "Bad Boyzz?" Good lord that was embarrassing. Also the time Mary Anne dumped him and then he tricked her into babysitting for his siblings while he "went out on a date with another girl" for Valentine's Day but then showed up in a literal tuxedo in order to woo her back? Thank goodness she had the good sense to be like "Dude, you are a freak and we are never, ever, getting back together (for five books at least)."
3. Logan and Mary Anne's relationship was weird AF
Logan was super controlling and Mary Anne was totally sheltered and in no way does that make for a healthy relationship for adults, never mind middle schoolers. I mean, to be fair, nearly all of the Babysitters had weirdly adult romantic entanglements, but this was just too much. Oy.
4. Mary Anne's dad was a FREAK.
He required her to wear her hair in braids. WHO EVEN DOES THAT? WHO IS THAT A THING FOR? "I'm putting my foot down, young lady, and you will wear your hear in braids, the exact same way, every day of your life. All other hairdos are for whores. Totally fine though that you are in an adult relationship with a tuxedo-owning weirdo."
Maybe if her dad wasn't such a braid-fetish-having weirdo, she never would have ended up in a relationship with horrid Logan Bruno.
5. Stacey had diabetes.
Hey, did you know that Stacey has diabetes? Because she does. She has diabetes. She is from New York City, which is much cooler than Stoneybrook, and also she has diabetes. Diabetes. And she is boy crazy! A boy crazy gal with diabetes, who is from New York. And has diabetes.
6. Blonde hair + vegetarian = California Cool?
Dawn's whole signature thing was that she was from California, and was thus "California Cool." As far as any of us can tell, this was best signified by the fact that she had white-blonde hair and blue eyes and also was a vegetarian, as are all people from California. Sometimes this also meant she could wear large blouses or something? I'm not sure.
7. Kristy owned way too many turtlenecks.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking right now and that is that the fact about Kristy that we all know is "she's a lesbian." But is she? I don't know. That is really for her to determine herself.
One thing we do know, for sure, is that she had way, way too many turtlenecks. In every single book she is wearing a turtleneck underneath a sweatshirt. How many turtlenecks did she own? Probably a lot, especially after her mom married rich guy Watson Brewer, who probably bought her all of the turtlenecks.
8. Jessi needed some Jessi-time
In addition to her job as an associate member of the Babysitter's Club, Jessi was also a damn prima ballerina, in a long-distance relationship with a dude from New York City and has to deal with all the racist jerks in Stoneybrook and at camp. AT THE AGE OF 11. Literally her life is way more full than any of ours are right now. No wonder her best friend is Mallory, and that sometimes they just need a break to pretend to be horses like normal children for once in their lives.
9. Claudia Kishi is cooler than any of us will ever be in our entire lives, so just stop trying.
Oh, Claudia. Claudia with the almond-shaped eyes. Literally everything she did was cool. First of all, she had her OWN PHONE LINE in her room, which was a thrilling privilege at that time. She was an artist, all of her clothes were amazing, she had secret junk food stashes everywhere, she made her own earrings, she read Nancy Drew books, and was the unattainable cool girl hero of your 5th grade dreams, as well as your adult dreams, because you are still not as awesome as Claudia Motherfucking Kishi.