A guy named Chris Chappell started reading Harry Potter for the first time and as he got deeper into the series, he had a few questions. That's because he had accidentally picked up some erotic fan fiction masquerading as the real series.
If you ever come across some fake children's book that seems too sexy to be believed, text a friend with a large Twitter following. Trust me, you'll go viral.
So this guy actually read all the way to the FIFTH book before realizing this was some counterfeit Potter. Amazing. Our best guess is that this was an ebook purchase gone horribly wrong.
"There's no sex in Harry Potter."
..."What?! The Order of the Phoenix is full of it!"
And in case you're confused, there's one line from counterfeit Potter that makes all the underage sex possible: "Wizarding age of consent is 15."
As if Harry and Hermione boning and Dudley throwing himself off the roof weren't enough, Shelley extracted more details from her friend's fan fiction misadventure. A lot more. Some of it pretty disturbing.
But at least the reader is starting to understand that this is not J.K. Rowling's intended masterpiece.
"The plot must have been entirely changed..."
Yikes. Sounds like Draco was into some really kinky stuff. Necrophilia... such a Slytherin. And now, if you're ready, here's a big block of text from a disturbingly explicit fan fiction version of Harry Potter.
'I checked the clock. It's after midnight. Happy new year, Harry.' She leaned over him and kissed his lips, and it would have been a quick kiss, done and over with, if he hadn't lost all pretense of control at that point and put his hands in her hair and opened his mouth under hers. That was all it took. He gave up, he surrendered. He kissed her like he was afraid he'd never kiss her again, with a desperation that was shattering. He felt like he was clutching at life after experiencing far too much death. He pulled her onto him, and now she was lying on top of him, kissing him back, knowing why he had moved. He could no longer hide from her what his body wanted; he could tell she could feel it when she broke the kiss and looked down at him with wide surprised eyes. But it did not faze her; she moaned and leaned down to kiss his chest. He shook, trying to stabilize his breathing, wanting to slow things down a little, wanting to make her happy. He pulled her face up to his again, kissing her, then moving his lips down her neck. She knelt over him, sighing, while his fingers unbuttoned her night shirt. She gasped when he continued kissing down her body, when he took the tip of one breast in his mouth when he moved his hand up her thigh...
But then, for some reason, he heard unbidden in his head a voice, a voice that almost brought him crashing down to earth.
JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD.
Here's where it gets educational.
Finally, Professor Sprout gets a purpose in these books.
But honestly, this thing about Aberforth Dumbledore may have happened in the real books:
And here's where the fan fiction kind of starts to square with the novels, but only in a weird way:
And then it doesn't. Although the fact that Harry never became an animagus is pretty disappointing. Good thing we have the fan fiction, right? Good thing this one's not sexual...
Never mind, the fan fiction always turns to sex.
And after this wild, wild ride, Shelley had to tell her friend the truth about Harry.
As a book reader, I wonder how he'll feel about the movies.