How to read a book.

How to read a book.
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So, you've decided to read a book.

Good for you! Whether you're trying to impress your boss, an attractive colleague, or aloof weirdos on public transportation, actually reading a book is one way you can convince others that you're the kind of person who reads books.

STEP 1

How to read a book.
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Before you can curl up with a great book and let it sweep you away from the distractions of work, the Internet, and electronic devices, you have to purchase a book. For that, you'll want to grab the nearest electronic device and get on the Internet. 

There are hundreds of websites selling thousands of books, and many of those sites include user reviews to help guide you. You should read as many of these reviews as possible to make sure you don't get stuck with a book that is too long or confusing or unfashionable. Make sure your book was palatable to a wide array of people. Did a book receive only one out of five stars from a teenager in Ohio because the cover got damaged in the mail? This is something you need to know.
Found a book you want to buy? Great, but don't submit that transaction just yet! You may be close to securing free shipping with just one or two more purchases. Walk around your home for a while and consider what else you might need:  Socks? A coffee bean grinder? Season Two of "Teen Wolf"? If you're like most people I know, there's a nagging emptiness in your life, and getting some more stuff will help for a few hours. 

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STEP 2

How to read a book.
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So now you've purchased your book, and you're eagerly awaiting its arrival. Just because you won't have it for a few days doesn't mean you can't start telling people what you're reading. I mean, who's to say when the "reading" truly begins, right? Of course, you might have to subtly steer a few conversations in the right direction. If people are standing around and saying non-book-reading things like "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "It really was a lovely service," just ask if anyone's read a good book lately and then wait for your moment to shine. 

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STEP 3

Your book has arrived! Now, making yourself absolutely comfortable is necessary for properly enjoying it. I like to keep a snack and a drink nearby while I'm reading. You want something you can eat with one hand while you're lounging on the couch and turning pages. But potato chips create crumbs and could make the pages greasy, so try to select something more nutritious. Vegetable stalks, like celery, carrots and red peppers, along with some hummus, would be perfect. And maybe some cheese. And some olives. And a light-bodied red wine, such as a pinot noir or a Beaujolais. 

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Missing one or more of these items? Then it's off to the supermarket and liquor store!

STEP 4

How to read a book.
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OK: You're back from the store, and you have plenty of snacks to sustain you during the uninterrupted hours of reading ahead. Put all those groceries away, and make sure you've tied up all the loose ends so you can dig into that story with your complete attention. Check your work e-mail, your personal e-mail, your voicemail, call your mother back, post on your various social media accounts that you're excited to be starting a great book, see if anyone on your fantasy football team is injured, check your social media to see if people like your book and applaud your decision to read it, make sure your DVR is programmed to record all the shows you'll miss tonight while you're reading your book, and maybe watch a few of the older shows because you might need to delete them to make room for the new ones.

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STEP 5

How to read a book.
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By now, it's probably pretty late. But that's all right. Few things are more fulfilling than sliding into bed with a great book. This is the optimal time to luxuriate in the quiet solitude and soar away into a far-away land of the author's imagination!

Has all that soaring made you sleepy? Yeah, you should probably go ahead and turn that lamp off. You're going to want all your strength for tomorrow when you dive into page two. 

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