Do you remember that time earlier today when security footage showed Ariana Grande licking an unpurchased donut and saying she hates America?
It was confusing at the time and it remains confusing now, even after we've had an entire half-day to process it.
Now, finally, Grande has broken her hours-long silence on why she licked a donut and said she hates America. There's a simple explanation, a solution to the riddle, a missing piece to the jigsaw puzzle. It was fat people's fault!
Grande released the following statement to Buzzfeed News:
She says, "The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me." So I guess, to sort of connect the dots, she might be saying that the sight of the caloric donuts provoked her to express her hate for Americans because it reminded her that they're so fat. And that's just, you know, so frustrating for Ariana Grande. Okay... It kind of seems like she got caught doing something bad, shouted, "Look, over there! An obesity epidemic!" and tried to tip-toe backwards out of the room.
In addition to stretching logic and needlessly roping innocent fat people into this mess, this apology has a major flaw. It doesn't explain why she licked the donuts! Why did you lick the donuts, Ariana? Why'd you do it? I mean, that's the story. It's like nothing I've seen before. And this is my job!
Thankfully, the reporter who got the original apology-ish statement is on the case.
i've emailed back to ask if she licked the doughnuts or not. also, what is my life— David Mack (@davidmackau) July 8, 2015
Hopefully soon we'll be able to get some answers.