The world is reeling from the bombshell announcement that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, dissolving the Brangelina alliance that has stood strong for 12 years. But who is really to blame for this catastrophe? As Someecards' top speculator, I resolved to find out. Here are the prime suspects:
Suspect #1: Brad Pitt
At first glance, Tyler Durden is the obvious suspect. Reports are claiming that Jolie decided to divorce him after her private eye discovered he was cheating on her with French seductress Marion Cotillard, but isn't that a little too obvious? Hollywood couples cheat all the time—they're just too attractive to adhere to the common rules of fidelity that us uggos live by.
Suspect #2: Angelina Jolie
Could Jolie have been cheating too? There's no evidence of this, but that won't stop me from speculating wildly like a real journalist. Maybe she met some hot idealistic young volunteer while doing charity work for refugees abroad, and then they started a torrid love affair. Even if it's not true, that would make great fan fiction.
Suspect #3: The Kids
We can dismiss this theory outright. Kids are never to blame for their parents' divorce, and the six young Jolie-Pitts are no exception. Besides, they're too busy plotting their world domination to pull a stunt like this.
Suspect #4: The Parents
Now here's a theory with some legs. Pitt comes from a conservative Missouri family, while Jolie's famous father Jon Voight is a right-wing icon. Could the two families have conspired to break up Brangelina just because their marriage had become the most powerful liberal brand in history? The very idea seems absurd—or would have, before this election.
Suspect #5: The Exes
Both Pitt and Jolie were in other high-profile celebrity marriages before getting together. Pitt spent five years married to America's Wife Jennifer Aniston, while Jolie was married to Slingblade hottie Billy Bob Thornton for three years (during which time they wore vials of each other's blood around their necks, like you do). Could Aniston and Thornton be behind the Brangelina split? Both of those stars are currently happily married, but perhaps they grew jealous of their exes' drama-free marriage and sought to drag them back into the tabloid muck they couldn't escape in the Aughts.
Suspect #6: Me
Damn it, I can't hide behind my wild speculation anymore! It's my fault! I've known it all along. I just didn't BELIEVE enough! I'm sorry, Angelina! I'm sorry, sweet sweet Brad! I didn't deserve you, and now the entire world has to suffer.