I don't know why I care so much about Jennifer Aniston's happiness. Maybe it's growing up watching her on Friends. She's not just Jennifer Aniston—she's Rachel Green. She's Ross Geller's lobster, and the reason every woman you know has layers in her hair.
So it's of the utmost importance to America's happiness that Jennifer Aniston is happy and in a relationship, so that she always has someone to give her an empty piñata on her birthday.
So when Jennifer Aniston and her husband-of-two-years (his official job title) Justin Theroux announced in a statement today that they are no longer each others' lobsters, it created a path of internet devastation.
I mean, the day after Valentine's Day?? C'mon guys. THINK OF THE CHILDREN (us).
The couple said the decision to split at the end of last year was mutual and "loving" whatever the hell that means.
This is going to take years of therapy to work through. And I'm apparently not the only person weirdly heartbroken about the end of a relationship involving two people I've never met IRL, one of whom I only know of as "the guy married to Jennifer Aniston."
The internet is not taking the news well.
Emotions range from speechless to betrayed to SHOOK to crying emoji.
To full on weeping. (Same.)
But at least, hey, where there's heartbreak, there's always hope, right?
Bring it on, 2018.