I have a feeling the next issue of GOOP will be about what wine pairs best with laughing over a roaring fire of tabloid covers featuring your ex and his Millennial fling.
We barely had time to get annoyed by you two. (Getty)
Congratulations, Internet-dwellers, your improbable fantasies about Jennifer Lawrence will no longer require an elaborate prologue in which you convince her that you are a better dating partner than Chris Martin, lead singer of the money factory known as Coldplay.
Now you can skip straight to the implausible part of her actually maintaining eye contact with you and not calling security, because J-Law and C-Mart (or "LawMart" as they should have been called) are done-zos. Finito. On the outs. They've moved to Splitsville, population: them. Like a parrot pining for the fjords, they are no more.
They've broken up.
"Oh, you think you can uncouple with half the grace I have?"
According to Us Weekly, Jennifer was "too successful." Meaning "Jen has been working nonstop and they never saw each other," according to an insider (whatever those are).
J-Law has since reconnected with Nicholas Hoult, whom IMDb claims to be an actor but that could just be a favor the Internet is doing J-Law to give her arm candy a resume.
"I am qualified to keep America's sweetheart company in this difficult time."
As for C-Mart, last time they broke up he did just fine.
Chris Martin looks like he's going to be A-OK http://t.co/5PwPApSJpy pic.twitter.com/MRHxtd6BtX
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) October 31, 2014
What is it about Independence Day that sparks break-ups? Oh, right. The Independence.