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I have a feeling the next issue of GOOP will be about what wine pairs best with laughing over a roaring fire of tabloid covers featuring your ex and his Millennial fling.


We barely had time to get annoyed by you two. (Getty)

Congratulations, Internet-dwellers, your improbable fantasies about Jennifer Lawrence will no longer require an elaborate prologue in which you convince her that you are a better dating partner than Chris Martin, lead singer of the money factory known as Coldplay.

Now you can skip straight to the implausible part of her actually maintaining eye contact with you and not calling security, because J-Law and C-Mart (or "LawMart" as they should have been called) are done-zos. Finito. On the outs. They've moved to Splitsville, population: them. Like a parrot pining for the fjords, they are no more.