When you start masturbating in a roomful of people, you know who your real friends are.

I'm not the biggest Osteen Ministries guy in the world, but his brand of saccharine self-help Christianity makes it really funny when he accidentally tells you that unlocking the true potential of your friendships is to rub one out together. Most criticisms of Osteen center around the "prosperity gospel," in which he and others claim Christ will make you rich for believing in Him. Obviously, because Jesus threw the moneychangers out of the temple to protest excess government regulation, and that whole multiplying-the-fish-and-the-bread thing was actually an allegory for compound interest.

Sources: Gawker | Joel Osteen's Twitter