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On Monday, Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard issued a very serious and somewhat strange apology for smuggling their two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, into Australia without declaring them in April 2015. Heard also pleaded guilty in court to making a false statement on her immigration card about the dogs, for which the Australian judge sentenced her to a one-month good behavior bond with no conviction recorded; if she breaks the bond she has to pay A$1,000 (that's around $770 USD, which Amber Heard probably has in her change purse). So, no more dog smuggling for you, missy!

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In the slightly tongue-in-cheek apology from the couple, released by Australian authorities today, Depp and Heard were contrite. "Australia is free of many pests and diseases that are commonplace around the world. That is why Australia has to have such strong biosecurity laws," Heard states.

Depp takes over, saying in a somber voice, "And Australians are just as unique, both warm and direct. When you disrespect Australian law, they will tell you firmly."

At the end of the video, Heard apologizes for not declaring Pistol and Boo when she arrived in the country by private jet. To which Depp adds, "Declare everything when you enter Australia. Thanks."

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Depp and Heard arrive for her Australian hearing, WITHOUT DOGS.
Depp and Heard arrive for her Australian hearing, WITHOUT DOGS.

In case this is all news to you, here's a quick recap: In April, Australian politician Barnaby Joyce threatened to have the dogs put to sleep if they weren't removed from the country within 72 hours ("It's time that Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States," were his actual words). Depp and Heard got the dogs out of the country before the deadline, but in July, Heard was charged with two counts of illegally importing the dogs into the country and one count of producing a false document.

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There was NO way Australia was going to let some hotshot celebrities bring their little hotshot celebrity dogs into their country on the sly. In Australia, dogs that size only exist as coyote bait or meals for spiders. Let that be a lesson to you, people traveling to Australia: take Depp's advice and declare everything. Everything. Your deodorant, your hairbrush, your "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt, those few sticks of gum in your purse, and any aspirin you may accidentally have smuggled in your pockets. But most of all, remember to declare your love for Australia. And stay out of trouble, dammit.