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As unfortunate off-brand Kardashian drama swirled this week, Kim tried to get the gossip train back on track by dropping a foolproof gem that always titillates the internet: a makeup-free portrait.

We're showing you the still shot first, because that's what you came for—and you wouldn't want to get distracted by her outfit in the video.

If it's your dream to make your face look like Kim's face, today's your big day.

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Via Kim Kardashian's Snapchat, here's the tabloid queen's transformation from zero makeup to Kardashian makeup.

Shamelessly promoting her contour kits, Kardashian took you—the humble viewer—through her routine. You are so lucky.

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"Ok guys, in honor of the restock today, I'm going to do my makeup a little bit. So I personally use the medium contour kit and if I'm tan I use the dark contour kit."

Kim Kardashian is usually tan.

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And because the tutorials never end, here's Kim with her makeup guru:

Follow this simple routine, and you too can build a social media and television empire on your fearless lack of privacy. Congratulations!