"I was trying to make a public service comment," says man who inadvertently made a public service announcement about discussing your wife's Kitty Zeta-Jina in public.
"You're going to go on a public apology tour, Michael." "For how long?" "Until something stronger than throat cancer comes to get you." (Getty)
You may recall when we almost lost
beloved accomplished star of stage and screen Michael Douglas to throat cancer back in 2013. He famously went on Letterman to tell the world the disease had progressed to stage four, with stage five being the end. They were scary times, and as he visibly weakened, we feared for the worst. Then, he got better, and gave a triumphant interview declaring himself "back with a vengeance" from the cancer he got from eating out his wife's HPV-laden vagina.
From his infamous Guardian interview:
No," he says. "No. Because, without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus."
From what? For a moment I think that I may have misheard.
"From cunnilingus. I mean, I did worry if the stress caused by my son's incarceration didn't help trigger it. But yeah, it's a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer." He shrugs. "And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it."
TL; DR: It was either my wife's diseased gennies or the screwed-up son who issued forth from them, but one of them gave me cancer.
I'm not even going to touch the "and it's also the cure!" part, because I can't detect any background logic for that. I think he just meant that since he was going out anyway, he was going to go out the way he wanted: going down.
And just like that, with the mention of a virus that the majority of the population carries with them in a dormant state, Catherine Zeta-Jones plummeted down the immature mental lists of fantasizers everywhere. People often forgot that Douglas spent decades as an avid drinker and smoker, two things much more well-known for their throat-damaging properties than Zetalingus.
His marriage did enter a rocky time after that (shocking), resulting in a period of separation, but perhaps because he made the statements in the heated euphoria of just having cheated death, the two are apparently on good terms again. And he'd like to keep it that way, as well as to warn people of the more general risks of the papilloma virus, and to encourage girls to get vaccinated.
Here's what he told the Daily Mail:
'What I was trying to say was that there is a sexually transmitted virus called HPC...But there is a vaccination that they recommend to all kids before they become sexually active so they don't catch HPC, which is a cause of certain types of cancer – cervical cancer, tongue and throat.'
So he didn't imply that performing oral sex could cure certain types of cancer?
'No,' he groans, anguished by the notion. 'I was trying to make a public service comment.'
And presumably it caused a certain discomfort over the Douglas breakfast table. A telling flash of pain flickers across his features.
'It was one of those things... and I so regretted any embarrassment that it caused Catherine,' he winces, before adding: 'And her family.'
Ohhhh right. That horrible feeling when you remember "Oh, right, my wife is a human being with relatives. WHOOPS." Well, I'm still glad you're alive, Michael. I think everyone should be allowed the gaffe of a lifetime when they cheat death. Just don't do it again unless you've just sweated your way through Ebola or something.
And do get your kids, especially young women, vaccinated so they don't get cervical cancer. As much as it pains me to say this, Michael Douglas was right. K thx bye.