Oprah recently announced her "Favorite Things" list for 2016, and it is just as impractical and bizarre as ever before. Check out what Oprah has been loving this year (besides bread) and see if there is anything you want to buy for the Stedman and Gayle in your life. Bonus points if you put their gifts under their chairs instead of under the tree.
1. This very practical $132 foot mask set.
This gift is great for: Someone who is on their feet all day but has enough money not to be on their feet all day. Foot models. Hobbits.
Oprah suggests this lovely foot care set, which is basically just a pair of socks and some Epsom salts, that will only set you back $132. Sure, your tootsies will likely be shoved in your boots all winter and not see the light of day until May, but if you want a taste of luxury, you're going to want to budget for this set that costs as much as a week's worth of groceries.
2. These 'unisex' shoelaces.
This gift is great for: People who own shoes. Those who are anti-velcro. Your coworker who had a lot of quirky tchotkces on their desk.
Forget the jewelry or fancy gadgets, what she really want this Christmas is shoelaces. Don't settle for the laces your shoes come with, be like Oprah and change them out for these slightly more interesting ones! Also, I would like to stress that these laces are unisex, because usually shoelaces are gendered. Progressive af.
3. This poinsettia cake that will almost definitely get damaged during delivery.
This gift is great for: People who pretend they know how to bake a cake. Your great Aunt Florence who is impressed by intricate sugar work.
If you can't choose between bringing your host flowers or dessert, kill two birds with one stone and bring this poinsettia cake. According to Amazon, the cake is 100% edible, which is good because it is a cake. The cake retails for $132 and serves about eight, which puts each slice at about $16 each. You'll love saying "Everyone look at the cake! Appreciate the cake!" at your next holiday party.
4. 22 bottles of nail polish.
This gift is great for: People who can't decide on a color. Someone born with extra fingers and/or toes. 13-year-olds.
This is actually a pretty great gift, but isn't 22 colors overkill? Many nail polish enthusiasts have a few colors or shades they like to stick to, but for someone who is indecisive af, this wheel may be the perfect gift. Best of all, the polish comes on a lazy Susan, the same thing you use to pass food around the table in fancy Chinese restaurants, which only exaggerates the hilarity of giving someone 22 FREAKING BOTTLES OF NAIL POLISH.
5. This free app that Oprah herself created.
This gift is great for: someone you hate.
Ever the savvy businesswoman, that sneaky 'lil Oprah hid her iPhone game "Bold Moves," in the list. "Gifting" this app to someone will speak volumes about how you feel about them, because it is a free app you can download on your phone and not actually a gift at all. Good news is that you don't have to wrap it.
6. This tiny $52 candle.
This gift is great for: Wood nymphs. Rich girls who love Coachella. Candle bloggers.
This candle retails for $52, and for that price you probably are expecting it to be somewhat large. WRONG. This candle is 8oz, a.k.a. the size of those mini water bottles they give out at soccer games. It comes in a variety of scents, such as Back in Avenel, Chisos, Highland Dell, South of Monterey and Sweet Atchafalaya, which basically means nothing to anyone.
7. A blanket for your dog that is more expensive than your bedding.
Perfect for: Your dog, that spoiled brat. People who like animals more than humans.
Dogs are important. Very important. They are also dogs. They will pretty much sleep on anything. I've seen a dog doze off on a pile of rocks. So this $395 dog blanket with hand drawn portraits of your pooch lining the edges seems a tad excessive, does it not?
8. Oprah and Deepak Chopra's meditation tapes.
This is a great gift for: Stressed out millionaires. People who still own CD players.
Oprah wants you to have the gift of Oprah this Christmas. For a mere $100 dollars you can seek peace with Oprah as she whispers in your ear the secret to enlightenment. This trilogy of meditation tapes by Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey will help you to shed weight, create peace, and get unstuck (whatever that means). After all, nothing says relaxation more than a meditation led by the woman who screams about bread on television.
9. I think this is some sort of VR headset or something?
This gift is great for: That kid from Willy Wonka who loves TV. Bratty teens who don't like interacting with others.
I have to be honest, I really don't know what this thing is. According to Oprah, the Avegant Glyph Personal Theater is a "HDMI-supported device that can do everything from checking emails to watching movies in digital HD," which basically clears up nothing. It will, however, make you look like a person whose headphones fell over their eyes or a New Yorker cartoon about people being blinded by technology.
10. A whole bunch of pricey maple syrup.
Great For: Your annoying friend who is obsessed with brunch. Eleven from Stranger Things.
Elevate your "brunch game" with these fancy-shmancy bottles of maple syrup. It's almost sacrilegious to pour this stuff over some toaster Eggos, but like, isn't that the point of maple syrup? The good news is that this doesn't come in a creepy woman-shaped bottle (lookin' at you, Mrs. Butterworth), but the bad news is that at $70, you might not be able to afford to eat anything but this maple syrup for a week.
11. An f-ing huge tube of lipstick.
This is a great gift for: your friend who always has lipstick stains on her coffee mug. Olmac from Legends of the Hidden Temple. Your 2-year-old niece who loves to play with your lipstick.
What is going on with this, Oprah? This red lipstick by Edward Bess is freaking huge, 5.6 oz to be exact (almost as big as that tiny candle), and is way too big to carry around everywhere. Also, if you tried to apply it to your lips, you would also be painting your nose, cheeks and chin as well. Just look at that thing! It's huge! Plus, no one can commit to one shade for that long. Geez.
12. This blow dryer from the future.
This gift is great for: your gadget-obsessed friend who makes you feel bad for not knowing how to access the iCloud. Rapunzel.
Dyson has done it again and created this hair dryer that looks like a fancy socket wrench. The hair dryer costs $400 bucks (unless you also want the case, in which case it's $450), and at that price you can expect this baby to really make your hair not wet. That's right, this thing dries your hair. That's about it! Oprah swears it is "worth every penny," but let's be real. Oprah doesn't even know what a penny is.
13. This cake made out of cheese that is not a cheesecake.
This gift is great for: Enemies of frosting. The lactose tolerant. People who read too much Home and Garden.
Disappoint everyone who was expecting dessert with this cheese cake. No, not cheesecake. Cheese cake! $140 gets you two giant wheels of cheese, a bunch of little succulents, and little doggy bags in case you somehow can't finish two giant portions of goat cheese in one sitting. Nothing says, "thanks for coming to my holiday party" like a bag of leftover cheese.