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I hate to be the four thousandth person to break the bad news to you, but Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced.


(via Getty)

The surprising thing about it is that it's none of our business, and neither is anything about their past, present, or future dating lives. Based on never having met them and knowing nothing about their true selves, though, I do have some ideas about who might make them happy. For the purposes of this thought experiment, I'm ignoring celebrity marital statuses and that fact that Affleck and Garner didn't ask for my input.

The Because-You-Can Option
If you're really, really famous, you can date, like, anyone. Which highlights some horrifying truths about our society if you think about it too long. Unless you're Jennifer Garner or Ben Affleck.