I hate to be the four thousandth person to break the bad news to you, but Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced.
The surprising thing about it is that it's none of our business, and neither is anything about their past, present, or future dating lives. Based on never having met them and knowing nothing about their true selves, though, I do have some ideas about who might make them happy. For the purposes of this thought experiment, I'm ignoring celebrity marital statuses and that fact that Affleck and Garner didn't ask for my input.
The Because-You-Can Option
If you're really, really famous, you can date, like, anyone. Which highlights some horrifying truths about our society if you think about it too long. Unless you're Jennifer Garner or Ben Affleck.
For Jen: Leonardo DiCaprio
For Ben: Beyoncé
The Age Appropriate Pairing
I love when celebrities date, marry, and/or associate with people of an appropriate age, because it's so rare. My go-to age appropriate choice for most movie stars would be Rachel McAdams, but at 36, she's still a little younger than Affleck, 42, and Garner, 43. Plus she might be dating Taylor Kitsch now. And they might name their baby Coach Taylor.
For Jen: Bradley Cooper
For Ben: Jenny Lewis
The Strategic Career Choice
The much-discussed idea that celebrities sometimes marry each other as part of a mutually beneficial agreement to help both their careers is something that gives me hope for humankind's scheming abilities. I can humbly admit I'm no expert at power-matching, but I think it would be helpful for Jen to partner up with a wholesome man to reinforce her good girl persona while Ben would do well with someone elegant to solidify his A list/Argo-y side, even when he's off counting cards.
For Jen: Chris Pine
For Ben: Jessica Chastain
The Spouse Who's Not A Movie Star But Is Still In Hollywood
You know those Reese Witherspoons who marry an agent or other industry person who understands showbiz but isn't bogged down by the pitfalls of fame? Maybe they have the right idea.
For Jen: A handsome cinematographer
For Ben: Diablo Cody
The Person Who Keeps The Rhyme
"Jen and Ben" had a nice ring to it, and we know from past "Bennifer" experiences that Affleck always goes for cute couple nicknames. But there are other celebrities with rhyming first names in the sea.
For Jen: Benedict Cumberbatch
For Ben: Jennifer Lawrence.
You know they've both thought about it.
For Jen: Matt Damon
For Ben: Matt Damon