Remember when that boy with the face tattoos was hanging all over Miley Cyrus' little sister Noah at the VMAs? Remember how old it made everyone feel?
Well get ready to feel even older: their relationship has already drawn to a close. Time flies when you're dating someone you met via Instagram DM.
Yes, Noah Cyrus and Lil Xan have called it quits — and they did it in spectacularly messy fashion, via Instagram Story. Fans are riveted and everyone seems to have an opinion.
We plebes first caught a whiff of the breakup when Xan, 21, whose real name is Diego, posted an Instagram Story saying he thought he was being cheated on.
The story was saved by "Fanpage For Diego" (@sweetlikediego) because yes, this child has fanpages dedicated to him!
"I feel like I'm probably being cheated on," Diego wrote on his Instagram Story. "Bad things always happen to the good guys so ima be an asshole now if you ain't gang."
If this gave you the impression that Noah is not, in fact, gang, you're not alone — but don't worry, she will appear soon to set the record straight.
The timeline gets a little fuzzy here. You might even say it's fuzzier than the pubescent facial hair Xan likely struggles to grow. But at some point, he claimed that the relationship was set up by his and Cyrus's record label, like any grown man would:
“It was something set up by, uh, Columbia Records… Columbia, uh, set it up to boost, uh, her like… y’know… like, everybody shit poppin’. Shout out to Columbia Records, too, for setting up that fake relationship. I didn’t want to do it, to be completely honest. … It was just added work to my schedule, you know what I mean?”
Doesn't this just remind you of every time you rejected a boy in high school only to have him insist he never liked you anyway? Cute.
But then — plot twist — Noah updated her own Instagram Story to set things straight.
"concerned and confused," she wrote in that old-timey typewriter font that Instagram lets you use. Based on this font selection and the Story's muted neutrals, Noah is dead serious.
She went on to say she accused Diego of cheating when a photo of him with a giant, undeniable hickey on his neck surfaced on Instagram. The two lovebirds had not hung out in a week, so the hickey was most certainly not of Cyrus's making.
"cheaters like to accuse their partners of cheating to make themselves feel less guilt," Noah wrote. "this isn't the first time this has happened to me and now im being forced to deal with crazy accusations when im not even sure where this all came from."
She also said the two met via Instagram DM, not through their record label. Still, Hollywood works in mysterious ways, so it's possible Columbia nudged Xan into DMing Cyrus and/or nudged her into responding to him. That doesn't necessarily mean the relationship was fake, though. This is just how celebrities meet each other.
Somewhere along the line, people thought Xan had dumped Noah because of the following meme. It depicts a porn star with fellow toddler-aged pop star Charlie Puth's head photoshopped onto his body:
Xan took to his IG Story yet again to clear things up: he didn't dump Noah because of that meme, but because of this photo of her with a DJ.
Okay! This whole thing feels like maybe Lil Xan is a manipulative and emotionally abusive POS who's going out of his way to make an 18-year-old feel like crap but cool cool cool.
Noah also posted an Instagram Live story of herself explaining the situation and sobbing, which is something people under 25 are doing with remarkable frequency these days.
At least Noah can sleep well at night knowing she's got that Cyrus money.
Speaking of Cyrus money! Our girl didn't miss out on the opportunity for album promo. Catch her EP "Good Cry" on Sept. 21.
And feel free to continue never listening to Lil Xan.