There are bad dates, and then there is the date that Katie, a 29-year-old account director in New York City, went on with a guy named Matt last Saturday.
The date resulted in Matt sending this text a few days later ... so you know it can't be good (by which we mean "bad"):
The "misunderstanding" Matt's referring to? Oh, boy. Where to begin? Best to let Katie tell it:
"We met on a dating app and this was actually our second date. The first was fine, not mind-blowing, but fine. This time, he wanted to meet me on Saturday at 8:00 and texted me in advance that day to let me know he was going to already be on the Upper West Side with a friend at a bar (I thought maybe they were watching a game or something). He said the place we were going had live music and we'd get something to eat and have drinks. Around 7:15 he texted me that he was "having a winning streak with bar games" and to meet him at 8:30 instead. I was confused. I met him at 8:30, he was slurring, eyes glazed over and told me he was winning a BEER PONG TOURNEY down the street. I asked him how drunk he was on a scale of 1-10 and he said 4. Which was a giant lie."
Okay. But the date could still be salvaged, right?
"After about an hour, I said we should get some food to which he replied 'Oh I ate already. Got hungry playing beer pong and ordered a burger and fries. But we can get an app to split?'"
"So I said hell no, I'm starving. I'm ordering REAL food and you can have some if you want. Then, somehow we landed on the topic of Caitlyn Jenner and he said her sex change was 'all for publicity. Just a publicity stunt.' So I said that's an incredibly offensive statement and why would a respected decorated Olympian be so in need of attention that he risks ruining his family, his relationships and his money to become someone else? It became an argument. He said 'All of the Kardashians only do things for publicity.'"
Oh, but Matt had more to say on this topic. In fact, it would seem he pays A LOT of attention to the Kardashians.
"Then he goes, 'Like Kris Jenner, she's dating a guy who is black. He's also 20 years younger than her. That's for publicity right there.' Having dated a black man (and having a soul) I stopped eating and was like 'WHAT?! EXPLAIN.' He proceeded to tell me that all of the Kardashians only date black guys for publicity because it's their 'brand' and said, 'Her dating someone that much younger would never work. It's gross. It would only work the other way around.' I attempted to ask why and he said "men mature slower than women, so that age difference should only be "allowed" if it's a man who is older. When I said that, despite not loving the Kardashians, Kris Jenner is a powerful business woman who can date whoever the fuck she likes, black, green, orange, young, or old, he strongly disagreed and said it was all a stunt and that it would NEVER work out. It's just 'not natural.'"
At this moment, Matt decided to make his move.
"At this point the band came on. I was eating and he spins me around and slowly — like a sloth — puckers up and moves in for a kiss. I pushed away his face and said 'absolutely not' and finished my chicken sandwich. Then 5 minutes later, he tried again."
At this point I went to the bathroom, surveyed the women about how I should leave and asked the kitchen guys in the downstairs if there was a back exit. It was reserved for employees so I had to go back upstairs and tell him I was leaving. I said, 'I'm leaving. I'm offended and now in a really bad mood,' and he goes 'I agree. I'm going to stay and have your drink.'
Then I went to another bar and told another dude about my bad date and I have a date with THAT guy on Friday."
#WINNING. Katie obviously came out on top. But the best part of this whole scenario? Her response to Matt's "misunderstanding" text. It's a masterpiece that will be used a template to shut down douchebags for years to come:
Matt's whimper of a reply?
Good one, dude.