Fifty Shades Darker opens on February 10th, and women and reluctant men are bound to flock to the cinema for the self-proclaimed "kinky f**kery." Critics are throwing shade at Fifty Shades, which once again stars Dakota Johnson as the surrogate for your imagination and Jamie Dornan as the scary stalker who's not criminal because he's hot. Critics are offering stern warnings to moviegoers, preparing them for what they're getting themselves into.
Here are the most brutal quotes from the
reviews roast of Fifty Shades Darker. Take pleasure in the pain.
The Guardian, Catherine Shoard
Spliced between such drama come the sex scenes, steamy as a greasy spoon and almost as erotic. 'Fifty Shades’s chief way of proving how dirty it is seems to be making its stars take endless showers – which inevitably leads to more sex, and so a terrible cycle of shagging and washing.
The New York Times, Manohla Dargis
Rated R for sex and bared female breasts that are so prominently displayed they should have received co-star credit.
Almost bad enough to recommend.
Rolling Stone, Peter Travers
"Fifty Shades Dumber" is more like it.
Will Arnett and Rosario Dawson generate more erotic heat in 'The Lego Batman Movie.' And they're made of plastic.
Slate, Laura Bennett
Here we are again: watching two anatomical marvels writhe meaninglessly in the moonlight, like a burlesque performed by bots.
Jamie Dornan’s Christian continues to have all the charisma of a butt plug.
Vox, Alex Abad-Santos
Anastasia was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.
A key to unlocking enjoyment from Fifty Shades Darker is to realize that it’s actually an unintentional comedic masterpiece. After all, this is a story about a woman whose superhuman lack of intensity has somehow sparked an unquenchable interest from the world’s most beautiful and richest sadist under 30.
Forbes, Scott Mendelson (Just had to put in the whole paragraph—this is blistering.)
Fifty Shades Darker is the Species II of upscale bondage eroticism. The first film was not only aimed at women but crafted in a way that would be explicitly appealing to women. It focused on the female gaze and telling a romantic fantasy about consent, safety and control, whereby a woman could experiment with a rich and handsome stranger without fear of untoward reactions should she say “No.” This time out, with Sam Taylor-Johnson swapped out for James Foley, the focus is on the male gaze and male fantasy, as our mousy (but impossibly gorgeous) heroine is controlled within an inch of her life by a terrifyingly possessive rich dude whose only real attribute is his wealth. It’s almost like following up a hit sci-fi thriller about a bad a** female alien with a sequel about a male alien who rapes women to death.
Toronto Sun, Liz Braun
Not to put too fine a point on this or anything, but Fifty Shades Darker, sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey, is very boring. Very, very boring.
Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, boring, actually.
Consequence of Sound, Allison Shoemaker
[Dakota] Johnson and Dornan have about as much chemistry as a box of Wheat Thins being blindfolded by a box of Triscuits, and their romantic scenes pack even less punch than their sexual encounters.
Both leads are attractive and look good without clothes, but the roteness of their bulge-flexing intimacies is such that when, near the film's end, the movie showed off Mr. Dornan's physique in a gym scene, women at Wednesday's preview screening were openly laughing at the contrivance.
Newark Star-Ledger, Rafer Guzmán
So awful, you'll whip yourself for seeing it.
From its dominant top to its submissive bottom, it’s utterly ridiculous.
Screen Crush, Matt Singer
A milquetoast continuation of a bland romance between two boring people. What little plot there is resolves quickly and easily, but then the film keeps going, until you begin to understand what it feels like to be punished by a self-described sadist like Christian Grey.