Some women are into dating bad boys—the kind of guy who doesn't text you after sex, has tattoos, drinks too much, probably served jail time, and whose junk is most likely riddled with STDs. But what if you're into dating really bad boys—like horror movie villains made of fire and evil and knives who are probably going to kill you and possibly your entire family? But still—he just has that certain way of looking at you, you know?
Dates with horror movie villains (demons, serial killers, ghosts) are not common. There's no dating app for scary movie bad guys, and there are no reality shows focused on setting them up on first dates with potential
victims girlfriends. But if you are truly desperate to date one of the ultimate bad boys, here's a list of horror movie villains, ranked in order of least to most dateable (VILFs, if you will). The dates would almost certainly all end badly (these guys are probably all bad tippers and they refuse to take "no" for an answer), with you dying a horrible, gory death, but what matters is at least you had a reason to put on lipstick and get out of the house for a bit.
NOTE—Some rules for dating scary movie bad guys: Wear flats. Never put your hair up and get into a bathtub. Showers are out, too. Camping is a bad idea. Never back into a room. And for God's sake, carry a weapon. That's the only way to have safe sex with some of these baddies.
10. LEATHERFACE (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
Occupation: Butcher and chef of humans.
Pro: Has three different face masks made of human skin.
Con: Bad at communication, aside from those three different faces.
How the date ends: He'll hang you on a meat hook before you're even dead.
9. JAWS (Jaws)
Occupation: Great white shark.
Pro: Has a second set of teeth behind the first one, and another set behind that. Endless teeth, basically. It's very cool.
Con: Not much of a conversationalist.
How the date ends: You'll end up with pruney fingertips. And your limbs torn off.
8. JASON VOORHEES (Friday the 13th)
Occupation: Dead (OR IS HE?) kid at camp.
Con: Not a fan of sex.
How the date ends: He's almost definitely going to try to kill you with some sort of knife or axe or machete. Bring sneakers and be prepared to run.
7. MICHAEL MYERS (Halloween)
Occupation: Dead (OR IS HE?) mental hospital escapee.
Pro: Comes with great theme music.
Con: Has a weird thing for his sister.
How the date ends: You and your friends will all die. Sorry.
6. FREDDIE KRUEGER (Nightmare On Elm Street)
Occupation: Dream stalker.
Pro: Not bad at puns.
Con: Always wears the same sweater.
How the date ends: Will kill you as soon as you fall asleep. Bring an alarm clock and lots of Red Bull.
5. JOHN KRAMER/JIGSAW (Saw)
Occupation: Motivational speaker. Sort of.
Pro: Creative type.
Con: Into two of the worst things possible: puppeteering and mindgames. Throw in hacky sacking and he never would have made the list at all.
How the date ends: With you, chained up in a basement, and a weird ventriloquist's dummy on a tricycle giving you a horrific challenge that involves killing yourself or someone you love.
4. PINHEAD/HELL PRIEST (Hellraiser)
Occupation: One of the leaders of the Cenobites (former humans who have transformed into creatures residing in an extradimensional realm, who travel to Earth through a puzzle box called the Lament Configuration to harvest human souls and steal victims' skin).
Pro: Pretty good style, if you're into that late 80s/early 90s industrial look.
Con: Exceptionally pointy.
How the date ends: If he gives you a small puzzle box to play with, DO NOT TOUCH IT.
3. BUFFALO BILL/JAME GUMB (Silence of the Lambs)
Occupation: Human, about a size 14.
Pro: Has a car, a nice dog, and his own place. Also, good sewing skills.
Con: Keeps humans in a pit in his basement and is a little too into lotion.
How the date ends: Will probably make a skin suit out of your body.
2. NORMAN BATES (Psycho)
Occupation: Small-business owner.
Pro: Very respectful of his mother.
Con: Slightly eccentric and a little nosy.
How the date ends: Will probably stab you in the shower or push you down a flight of stairs. But in a polite way.
1. CANDYMAN (Candyman)
Pro: Very handsome. Also, beekeeping is a cool hobby.
Con: No actual candy involved.
How the date ends: You'll definitely be hooked. Haha, get it? HOOKED!