RIP everything John Cusack ever tried in a movie.
The times, they are a-changing, as some old guy once said. Courtship is going down the tubes with the Tinders and the OKCupids, and every year, movies about how people used to fall in love become less and less relevant. Here are some movie tropes that, although not that old, are completely irrelevant now thanks to technology.
1. Standing in the rain to call someone on a payphone.
Everyone has a cell phone. A cell phone they barely use as a phone. So, if you could text someone about your love life without even leaving your bed, that's probably the better option now. The payphone in the rain is dead.
2. Running through the airport to see someone.
We're told that there was a time in the history of flight when you didn't have to go through security. That any old clown could just walk over to a plane and confess his or her love for someone. Frankly, we're a little skeptical this would still happen even without the War on Terror and those scanners that let TSA drones look at your junk. Has anyone actually been so in love that they would go to the airport and even pay to park? Remember that texting from your bed is an option now. We think not.
3. Making a mixtape for someone.
A long time ago there were these things called tapes. They were like CDs but- what's that? What's a CD? You know! A CD. Picture a huge iPod or iPhone but it only played one band at a time. That's what a Discman was. Anyway, before those were even around, you could put a a bunch of different love songs together on a tape, write a person's name on it, and give it to him or her and they were contractually obligated to at least talk to you according to movies. Now, people don't even make mixes for each other. Spotify or iTunes makes a mix for you and knows exactly how you're feeling. Then you think about how cool that technology is instead of thinking about another human.
4. Finding out suddenly about someone's wedding, interrupting it.
Thanks to Facebook, you will now be notified the very second someone gets engaged, and you can try to ruin that engagement from the comfort of your own couch through Facebook Messenger. You barely have to try!
5. Cooking for someone when you don't know anything about cooking.
Oh no! Whatever will I do? A man is coming to my house and I've never cooked! It's called Seamless. You use it every damn day, so why should your weird date night be any different? Save some time and energy and just double an old order.
6. Hoping your anonymous pen pal is as handsome as Jimmy Stewart.
We're all savvy enough with social media to trace a man's digital footprint, and it mostly seems to lead to his parent's basement. People who have the time to trade romantic emails back and forth all day but never want to meet are never going to be Jimmy Stewart from The Shop Around the Corner (or even the slightly more modern Tom Hanks from You've Got Mail). They're the people who won't even go to a bar to not make eye contact with you.
7. Seeing someone naked for the first time (because dick pics).
You know those scenes where it's finally going to happen? The two protagonists are in a room together, slowly and agonizingly stripping each other down to their birthday suits? They gasp, they're amazed, excited! Well, forget it. Nothing is left to the imagination anymore, because you have almost certainly received an unsolicited cock shot from your beloved before the consummation of your union. You know what you're gonna get; or pass on...
8. Misplacing letters to account for why you never reconnected with a lost love.
"Why didn't you ever reach out to me?" can no longer be answered with, "I wrote you. Didn't you get my letters?" The modern equivalent is, "Oh, I didn't see your text. Already home." Which we all know is bullshit. They saw your damn text.
9. Using "I'm new here," as a reason why someone should take you out on the town.
You might actually be new here, and friendless, but it's pretty hard to use needing a tour guide as a reason to ask someone out. You've got Yelp! And Google Maps. And Wanderlist. And blogs up the wazoo. You can get recommendations on social media, because everyone is connected to everyone somewhere. At this point, if you ask a hottie for recommendations, they'll suggest a smart phone.
10. AND FINALLY: Getting to know someone slowly over time.
Inefficiency. Beautiful, romantic inefficiency. It used to stretch out all the human interactions we've gotten so adept at avoiding. Technology, the Internet, social media, etc., all give us the feeling we can know a person in an instant. In many cases, it's probably a good thing to find out up top that the cutie in the next cubicle is an anti-vaxxer. But sometimes, only experience can give us the real answers about who will be there for us when things are rough. So slow down, put away your phone and make eye contact. They'll probably think you're a creep, but it's worth a shot.
All images via Giphy.