Growing up watching Disney movies, it was only natural to develop crushes on animated characters, with their Barbie and Ken-like proportions and huge, bottomless eyes. This was confusing enough for our young selves as we were just beginning to develop romantic feelings and a sense of our sexual identities. But it was even more confusing when the objects of our crushes weren't even human. Here are a few non-human Disney characters who made us particularly bewildered about what species we are actually attracted to.
1. Simba (The Lion King)
No one showcased the glories of puberty like Simba, who transforms from adorable little heir to the animal kingdom to this glorious hunk of lion:
Just look at that mane. That chiseled jaw line. As if being a young tween with a blossoming libido wasn't confusing enough.
Sigh. Nala was such a lucky lioness, and pretty fine herself. Can you feel the love tonight? Because we could feel it. And it felt...confusing.
2. Pongo (100 Dalmations)
Pongo may be everyone's first DILF. Which was exciting and uncomfortable on so many levels.
He's not just a dad; he's a great dad, risking everything for his family. And those spots are oddly alluring. They suggest "I'm cute and I could help put out fires." Species are just a construct, right?? Because Pongo could get it.
3. Lady and 4. The Tramp (Lady and the Tramp)
Speaking of dogs who can get it: the Tramp might have been the original bad boy. I mean, his name is Tramp. He's basically every guy we fell in love with right after college when we were still "finding ourself."
Ugh, what a stud. Look at that rugged face.
And, also like the guy we dated after college, he wears a dog tag. He's also very much off the market (hot!), thanks to the allure of this sexy lady-dog, Lady.
Sorry Brangelina, Lady and the Tramp—Lamp?—were the celebrity couple that first made us think "hmm, maybe polygamy could be fun?" Who wouldn't want to move to Utah to co-habitate with this canine duo? Society can't tell us who to love!
5. Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
Spoiler alert! Ariel gets her legs at the end of the movie, but we felt the most confusing things for this mermaid when she still had fins. Just look at that hair. Those seashells. It was all very erotic and confusing. "Am I gay? Straight?" we wondered. "Bisexual? Into fish?"
By the end of this movie, we were all: Excuse me Ursula, but what do I have to give up to get some fins so I can live happily underwater with this aquatic Princess? My voice? My dignity? My twenty thingamabobs? Name a price, they're all yours.
6. Robin Hood (Robin Hood)
This sexy renegade is literally a fox. But also, he's a fox.
He has looks and charm for miles, and lives by no rules. He's basically a forest-dwelling Don Draper, but with Bernie Sanders' beliefs. He steals from the rich to give to the poor, and he stole 99% of our hearts.
Plus, he never let his philanthropic pursuits waylay him from his ultimate pursuit of love. He catapulted our young libidos into complete and total chaos.
7. Rajah (Aladdin)
Sure, Jasmine friend zones him from the beginning. But she doesn't see what we saw: her pet tiger Rajah has sex appeal. Maybe it's that cantankerous demeanor hiding a heart of pure gold. Maybe it's his fierce protectiveness of his BFF Jasmine. Maybe it's those sexy older man vibes, or those pronounced eyebrow bones.
Whatever it is, it's undeniable: Raja growled and clawed his way into our young hearts. And now we will never not feel a little bit awkward at the zoo.
9. Roxanne (A Goofy Movie)
Goofy's son, Max, is hopelessly in love with Roxanne, and it's pretty obvious why. Like Goofy and Max, no one knows exactly what Roxanne is. A dog? A mouse? A dog-mouse? Her species may be difficult to define, and so was our love for her. Because yowzah.
She's like a young Jessica Rabbit, only marginally less human, and equally NSFW. Roxanne gazed into our eyes and now we can never look at dogs, or mice, the same.
9. Lumiere (Beauty and the Beast)
He's technically not an animal. But this French candelabra still threw our young sexual identities into disarray.
Lumiere is the Beast's sweet and well-meaning, yet rebellious, maître d', who was transformed into a candlestick by the same curse that turned the prince into The Beast. As far as curses go, let's be honest, both those guys are way sexier in their non-human forms.
Of course, The Beast is the crowning hunk of this movie. But Lumiere is his sexy little sidekick who set us on fire with his charisma and wit, making us feel a little tingle now every time we walk through the candlestick section at CVS.
10. The Beast (Beauty and the Beast)
And finally, the "man" of the hour: the Beast. His name alone makes us quiver in nostalgia and cringe with discomfort. Like Belle's, our love for him felt wrong, and yet, it felt so right. Knowing what we know now, the whole scenario is creepy and Stockholm syndrome-esque.
And yet, he was so, so, so sexy.
"It's not his fault," we told ourselves. "He was under a curse." And just like him, we were cursed: by our attraction to him. Because we know, underneath it all, he's good. He can change. He'll get a job. He'll shave. For us. He'll change, for us.
Not only was this crush confusing, but it was responsible for every bad relationship we've ever had. And yet, we just can't get enough of that scruff.