Like every other tweenage girl in America, we can’t wait for The Hunger Games to open next week. But one thing about the story still doesn’t make sense to us: Why would the Capitol send children into a brutal, unforgiving death match when there are so many other, more deserving candidates in the pop culture landscape? So here is our dream line-up for the Hunger Games. And yes, we know there should technically be 24 tributes, and they should technically be half guys and half girls. But we make the rules here, and we say “Quit being such a snot-nosed Career and just read this, OK?” (By Chase Mitchell)
Rush Limbaugh - Abandoned by all of his sponsors after calling one of the female tributes a slut, Limbaugh would be left with no ammunition except his mouth. Every woman in the competition would gang up on him immediately, and he would die screaming the word "FEMINAZIS!" His carcass would then be hollowed out and used as a makeshift shelter for five to six people.
Lindsay Lohan - She's got the "absolutely nothing to lose" thing down, we'll give her that. And her history of shoplifting might give her an advantage when stealing weapons from other tributes. But unless she's striking a pedestrian with a vehicle, she's only dangerous to herself. And as soon as the seven or eight different types of drug withdrawal kick in, she's a sitting, shaking duck.
Justin Bieber - The Biebs is scrawny, not very intelligent and, as you can see from this photo, inexperienced in combat. He'd be dead before he even realized the screaming girls running toward him didn't want an autograph.
Kim Kardashian - Kardashian's strategy would consist of marrying and then quickly divorcing every male tribute, leaving them with zero supplies. But after that, she'd just find a comfortable place to sit, tweet a few complaints about the heat, and wait for the victory to be handed to her. She would soon die from the lack of attention.
Donald Trump - Trump would invest his entire share of the supplies into buying off sections of the arena and building gaudy, elaborate shelters that no one had any interest in using. Despite constantly boasting that he was the strongest competitor to ever step foot in what he promised would be "the highest-rated reality competition since The Apprentice," Trump would end up inadvertently setting himself on fire, leaving nothing but a sad clump of hair.
Snooki and The Situation - These two walking disasters would be reaped into the Games as a pair, then spend the entire time at each other's throats. After spending a few days mindlessly exercising, sunning themselves on rocks, and washing their clothes in the river, Snooki would be led away from their shoreside encampment by a trail of pickles, and The Situation — suddenly finding himself with no one to sulk in front of — would soon follow, accidentally tripping the grenade that would turn them both into a fine orange mist.
Gwyneth Paltrow - Despite being the only tribute in an Oscar dress, Paltrow would get by surprisingly well just by boring her opponents to death with pretentious stories about her weekend in Tuscany with Mario Batali. She would later accidentally poison herself while writing a condescending and completely unnecessary blog post on making cocktails with fermented jungle berries.
Kanye West - Kanye would survive for awhile by interrupting people before they could kill him, but he'd eventually get preoccupied by the questionable decision to start his own clothing line — weaving fashionable but useless pink polo shirts out of hemp and twine — and end up with an arrow right through his window-blind sunglasses.
Gary Busey - Busey would last an impressive amount of time in the Hunger Games, as long as no one put a motorcycle in there. He'd survive on a mix of raw animal flesh and pure insanity, striking fear into the other tributes with his confusing, unpredictable anger and tendency to befriend inanimate objects. But alas, he would eventually meet his end when distracted at a crucial moment by an argument with an imaginary goose.
Rick Santorum - Santorum would mainly concern himself with trying to keep any of the competitors from having sex. But after two weeks of hoarding stolen contraceptives in a tree trunk, he would realize that he'd completely forgotten to gather any food. After a futile attempt to subsist on nothing but birth control pills, he would die of starvation, finishing an inevitable second place.
Charlie Sheen - After being picked by almost everyone to die first, Sheen would win the Hunger Games hands down and live to be 125 years old.