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"Today, I'll show you how to make huckleberry wine in your very own toilet bowl."

So far, I have met anybody who's admitted to harboring a fetish for imagining Martha Stewart driving an artisanal shiv into another person's abdomen repeatedly until their roughly perforated entrails fall like autumnal confetti atop the lifestyle entrepreneur's elegantly simple canvas sandals, but I'm sure they're out there.

And if they're not, they will be after the upcoming season of Netflix's Orange Is the New Black, which will apparently feature a character based upon American mom's favorite ex-convict. According to Time Magazine:

While [show creator Jenji] Kohan is tight-lipped about the upcoming season of Orange Is the New Black she did reveal to Time that there will be a character inspired by Martha Stewart when the show returns June 12.

Sources: Time | h/t Jezebel