"Stephen Colbert" made his triumphant return to television on Monday night to deliver the Report on Trump's arts-slashing, Grandma-starving budget.

"I'm here because America needs me," Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. proclaimed.

Only a true, fiscal conservative Stephen Colbert (the character) could defend Trump's budget, with the return of The Colbert Report's best segment (with a deliberate spelling mistake so it can slip by Comedy Central's lawyers), "The Werd."


"Screw Unto Others," Stephen Colbert The Character declares, launching into "defense" of Donald Trump's "wish list."

Much have been said about Trump's plan to eliminate funding for Meals on Wheels, a program that brings food to the elderly. Well, "Colbert" says:

Folks, I know what you’re saying: You’re saying, ‘They did meet their objective, Stephen. They brought food to the elderly.’ Well, technically, yes, Greg. And we all know what happens to food after we eat it: We are literally throwing money down the toilet!


Watch the whole segment and Make America 2008 Again.