How you can be cool like me and still play 'Pokémon Go.'

How you can be cool like me and still play 'Pokémon Go.'
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Despite what lame-os all over the internet are saying, Pokémon Go is very cool and very hip, and you should play it. I know this because I, myself, am extremely cool, and I play Pokémon Go.

How you can be cool like me and still play 'Pokémon Go.'
A portrait of the author.

Right now I'm writing this from my home in Santorini, surrounded by all the prettiest girls from every high school, though I am the only one of them who could properly called "beautiful." I just consumed my lunch of ground bone marrow and seaweed, and I was full after two bites. I work full time as a fitness guru for my company, MODELREXIA—classes there are $300 each. I'd link you to the website, but it's so minimalist that it's technically just a white page.

Currently, I'm dressed in a bikini and that Alexander McQueen skin jacket. I'm also the daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow, but I don't like to talk about it because she's old and fat. I'm 22 years old, and when I choose to work, I'm a CEO. My favorite hobby is Pokémon Go. Here's how to play it like me and make all your friends jealous.

1. Call it your new fitness tracker.

I don't know about you, but I like to have the latest version of every single fitness tracker, because it scares women around me with the threat that I could potentially get even skinner. Well, Pokémon Go happens to be a pretty damn good fitness tracker. You can hatch different kinds of Pokemon eggs by walking distances of 2-10 kilometers. You can't even trick the system by opening the game in the backseat of a car—it uses a combination of your phone's pedometer and GPS, making it potentially more accurate than the fitness tracker that's already built into your smartphone. At the rate I'm dropping weight, I won't have to go to Mexico once a year to get an illegal colonic anymore!

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2. Use it to show off the exotic locations you vacation to.

Oh, how did I manage to get a 2390 CP Zapdos? Let me pull up the GPS location from my Pokédex. Oh right, I found it on Mel Gibson's private island in Fiji. Too bad for you, I guess!

3. Your Pokemon pictures are now a low-key way to photograph expensive purchases and hot guys.

How you can be cool like me and still play 'Pokémon Go.'
Ooh, a Vulpix! #YesThatsABirkinBag
Pokémon Go

4. Use it to bond with Sasha Obama.

Malia is easy to befriend—just sneak her a beer at Le Bain—but Sasha is a little more reserved. Trust me, though, she's crazy about this game. She's even managed to find a MewTwo!

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