If you were a breathing human person who was alive within the past week, you've heard of Pokémon Go. The 90s game made its big mobile comeback last week, and it's already more popular than apps like Tinder (but like Tinder, it's inspiring love connections). Essentially, it uses your phone's GPS location to help you go out into the world and find Pokémon characters.
If you're like this author, the moment you figured out the game forces you to leave your home, you deleted it. #SayNoToUnnecessaryCardio
But it turns out there are a whole slew of other reasons to delete the app, besides the possibility of finding a dead body. Here's a roundup of all the
paranoid legitimate reasons why you should delete Pokémon Go.
1. Pokémon Go Has Boundary Issues.
Just like when you're dating someone and they come on too strong, friending all your Facebook friends after only a week, Pokémon just can't respect your safe space.
"...aggregated information and non-identifying information with third parties for research and analysis, demographic profiling, and other similar purposes..."
So basically, your location data will get sent right back to Google.
2. It's Reading Your Emails
If you chose to use your Google Account to register with the game, then Pokémon Go knows all about that money you sent to that Nigerian prince.
It turns out there's a fault in the registration process where you, dear user, give permission to Pokémon Go to read and even send emails from your account.
So if you'd rather not have a Japanese game character know about your erectile dysfunction, think before downloading.
3. Pokémon Go Inspires CHEATERS!
Nobody likes a cheater. Which is why reports of rampant Pokémon Go cheating are so upsetting. Is nothing sacred?
The worst is this dude. He posted to Reddit a picture of his rigged up drone—yes, drone. Instead of walking, which is the point of the game, he flew, covering more ground than any person could, and thus getting all the Pokémon. What a human turd.
4. It's Forcing Old Police Dudes to Use Words Like "Pokestop"
Police in O'Fallon, Missouri issued a statement on Facebook warning residents about the game. They said...
The way we believe it was used is you can add a beacon to a pokestop to lure more players. Apparently they were using the app to locate ppl standing around in the middle of a parking lot or whatever other location they were in.
5. It's Putting Our Troops in Danger
Louis Park, stationed just out Mosul in Northern Iraq, is taunting ISIS to play him.
Sure, it's all fun and games until ISIS gets involved!
There is one potential upside to playing Pokémon Go. Maybe people will finally realize that being outdoors sucks.