Woman asks if she was wrong to bring 'forgetful' SIL's wallet to dinner. AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for bringing my sister-in-law's wallet to the restaurant when she conveniently always forgets it?"

My (F28) SIL “Amy” (F26) always comes to visit from out of town. She stays with us instead of a hotel, and always wants to go to expensive restaurants. She always conveniently forgets her wallet, or comes up with some excuses as to why she can’t pay her share.

She has implied that since I make much more money than her, I should be the one to pay (no, not my husband should pay, but me specifically). I do make a fair amount of money, but not so much that I can treat someone every time they come into town. Nonetheless, in the past, I have just paid the bill and asked her to pay me back. She never has.

She had made a reservation at an extremely expensive restaurant last night, and before we left, I made it clear that I wouldn’t be paying her bill.

This is where I might be the a*%$ole, and I’ll admit I got this move straight from and episode of Two and a Half men. As we were leaving, her and my husband went to the car. I pretended I forgot something and went back inside. I found her wallet sitting right on top of her suitcase. I put it in my purse and we went to the restaurant.

When we were done eating, I asked for separate bills. She said no, we need one bill, because she “forgot” her wallet again. I reached in my purse and said, “this wallet?”

She was extremely furious. She said that I should not have touched or grabbed her wallet. So AITA for taking her wallet and bringing it to the restaurant?

This sister-in-law is hilariously calculated in avoiding the bill, but to make a reservation for a fancy place is the cherry on top of her scheme. Here's what the jury of internet strangers had to say...

Player4our said:

NTA (Not the As*hole) Sometimes you need to kick someone in the a*s, let them know that their bull#@*t is bull*&*t. You've done your part to make it known that you know your sister's game. I'd talk to her about it, but I would refuse to offer any free handout anymore, even if that means just forgoing dinner.

stillnotthatgirl said:

NTA. You were just trying to help her “remember” her wallet! What if she had needed it!?

PumpkinWrangler said:

NTA and I doubt she’ll be booking anymore expensive restaurants.

AdverseCereal said:

NTA under these very specific circumstances b/c you have tried several other options and she continues this behavior which is unacceptable. As others have pointed out, though, this is a one-time solution, so good luck dealing with whatever happens next.

UPDATE:

Why does DH keep letting Amy in?

Without getting into too much detail, he has always been expected to pay for nice things for the females in his family. He's also been kind of scammed out of large sums of money by his family.

That's slowly been shut down over times, and we're working on shutting down this dinner/outings thing. He allows this because he feels bad that they don't have a lot of money. It's sad, but that's how his family got along for a very long time - being dishonest about anything and everything to get their hands on some extra money or extra financial help.

I could write a book on some of the things I've seen them do over the years. It hasn't been easy to show these people how wrong this is. He has talked to Amy about being cheap, has had come-to-jesus talks with her, and genuinely has always felt that each next time would be different.

We've been in therapy addressing this, and he's learned to set boundaries. This restaurant thing is a boundary that he hadn't yet set. It's hard to set all boundaries all at once when you actually had no clue know what boundaries were, and have had no boundaries for years.

Does he pay too?

We are married. My money is his money. When I mentioned Amy specifies I should pay, I meant more that she specifies since I make good money, we as a whole shouldn't be "cheap."

What was the point if you ended up paying?

I knew Amy wasn't going to pay. She *always* finds a way not to pay. I went to the restaurant fully expecting to foot the bill. I did this because I saw it on a show and thought it would be funny to do IRL, to be completely honest. The point wasn't really to get her to pay, it was more to show her that the "forgot my wallet" excuse was getting old.

Is Amy banned from visiting?

Fortunately, this post turned out to be a good thing. DH has always had it in his head that Amy is a good person and has her reasons for being sneaky and cheap, like I mentioned above. In his head, it's not her fault she is the way she is; it's the circumstances of their upbringing that cause her to make bad decisions.

But, seeing Amy's reply and peoples' response to Amy has really changed his thinking. That's the first time Amy has outright admitted that she's purposely taking advantage. Reading some of the other comments has also been eye-opening for him. So, DH has told Amy that she's not welcome here, at least not for a long while.

Judgement

Thanks for lots of NTAs, but I liked one commenter's "Sometimes it's okay to be the a%s." I think that's exactly what it was here. It was an a%s move, but also outweighed by Amy's a%holery. Thanks again, this is the end of this, I won't be giving anymore updates or comments.

Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:

Poverload237 said:

As someone who grew up in similar circumstances as your husband, I fully understand how hard it is to set boundaries with family, especially when you didn't even know what boundaries are, or that you're entitled to them.

I'm proud of your husband for doing something that's so hard to do, and I'm proud of you for pulling the IRL show scene, cuz it was well deserved! I wish nothing but the best for you both

IslandLife321 said:

I think your actions were pure gold! My sil always pulled the I’m broke/forgot my wallet game. Finally I explained money to my husband. We were the only ones married with kids for a LONG time (oldest and didn’t wait for our 30s to get engaged, we also met younger - not judging, just facts). And he finally agrees - she had no responsibilities and a great job, she could pay for herself.

Now I just have to roll my eyes that we share the bills equally when we consume far less of the food because everyone orders seafood apps and we don’t eat seafood. I’ll take it over covering the sil though any day!!!

Lost_Sky113 said:

They are con artists. Don't give them another penny. The mom instructs the children about birthday presents. If your husband is deluded, tell him you will need separate bank accounts if he continues to cater to con artists.

So, there you have it!

Everyone agreed unanimously here, before and after the update, that this woman wasn't at all wrong to force her sister-in-law to confront her obnoxious and rude restaurant behavior. If she can't handle the check then she shouldn't have chosen the restaurant. Good luck, everyone!