Dad ambushes his virgin son by hiring a sex worker, 'I died of embarrassment.'

Every responsible adult knows that drunk oversharing is for strangers on the internet, close friends Instagram stories, and your ex's voicemail at 3am. Not for your parents.

When a young man was bonding with his father, a simple question lead to a series of events that fascinated Reddit's popular TIFU (today I f*cked up) thread.

'TIFU up by telling my dad I have never had sex.'

NoThankYouDad writes:

A few days ago I (20m) decided to visit my dad at his house. It was his birthday. I showed up with wine. We got a little drunk. Maybe more than a little. When my dad was done going on and on about how much he missed my mom since she divorced him, he changed the subject and focused on my love life. He asked if I had a gf and I said no.

Then he asked if I've ever had a gf because he's never seen me with a girl. I said never. My dad poured the last drop of wine in my glass and asked if I was still a virgin.

Always a fun conversation with a parent!

I was tempted to lie, but I paused too long, so I said yes. My dad said I had no reason to feel ashamed about my virginity, but encouraged me to have as much sex as possible before I end up married to a person whose vagina comes with an impenetrable encryption.

What chill and appropriate advice!

I ignored the obvious reference to my mom's you-know-what and called it a night.

I asked my dad if I was allowed to sleep in the spare bedroom because I didn't want to drive home drunk. My dad said I was more than welcome.

I must have been sleeping for less than an hour before I woke up to the sound of my dad knocking on the door. I don't remember what I mumbled as I opened my eyes, but the moment my dad heard my voice, he entered my room with another person. It was a girl.

Ooo plot twist! Get your popcorn, folks.

My dad introduced her by name, but did the air quotes thing with his fingers to imply that it was a fake name. I could tell my dad was still drunk. Not gonna lie, I was still drunk too, but not drunk enough to disregard the weird f*cking sh*t that was happening.

Without giving me proper time to react, my dad quickly said the girl knew exactly what to do before closing the door on his way out.

The girl did not know what to do.

Go on...

She did nothing other than awkwardly waiting for me to say something. I eventually asked her what was going on and she said my dad hired her to sleep with me. I died of embarrassment, especially when the girl asked me to explain if I was on the zero experience or the some experience end of the virgin spectrum.

Without thinking, I said I was gay. It was the first time I actually said it out loud.

ANOTHER PLOT TWIST!

The girl sat down on the bed and asked if I was a top or a bottom. I shrugged and said I didn't know yet. My face must have been so red at that moment.

The girl said if I was willing to go shower, then she would basically be willing to motorboat my butt. To be honest, I considered it. I'm human. I'm horny.

However, the situation was way too weird for me to be completely comfortable doing something that sexual with someone I didn't know at all. I said thank you, but no thank you to the girl and apologized for my dad putting both of us in an awkward position.

Well, this seems like a situation well-handled.

She said she understood, and for some reason thought it was neccessary to mention that my dad was one of their regular customers.

Hold that thought.

She made it clear for the record that she never had sex with my dad, but explained that some of her older coworkers at the escort service really enjoyed spending time with him. She said she can't wait to tell the other sex workers that she met me because apparently my dad loves to talk about his son with the people he pays to f*ck.

That's... kinda nice, though, right?

I was not psychologically prepared for the unexpected discussion regarding my dad's sex life. The girl had a severe case of motormouth. When she finally stopped talking, I learned that my dad sleeps with sex workers who kind of look like my mom, and that women closing their eyes with too much food in their mouth and saying 'hmmmmmm' turns him on.

Nevermind.

The girl apologized for abusing my 'good listening skills' and asked if there was nothing she could do for me. I said she could keep my sexuality between the two of us.

She said her lips were sealed until the time comes to suck c*ck.

I would die for her.

My dad was passed out in the living room when we approached the front door. I went back to bed when the girl was gone and eventually fell asleep. The following morning I confronted my dad. I said I didn't appreciate what he did and made sure he understood that he wasted his money because nothing happened.

My dad was apologetic and promised never to cross that line again, no matter how much alcohol is involved.

Looks like it's all over! Thank goddess.

Despite his apology, the mood was still somewhat tense. I decided to break the tension by closing my eyes and saying hmmmmmm while eating breakfast.

The look on my dad's face was priceless.

*chokes on popcorn*

I lost my appetite soon afterwards, because I instantly regretted doing something that might arouse my father.

Okay now the story is over! I swear!

But, OP was kind enough to sum up his journey, if anyone needs the cliff notes:

TL:DR Told my dad I was still a virgin and his response was to blindside me in the middle of the night with a sex worker who realized I was not into girls and ended up telling me more than I wanted to know about my dad's history with other sex workers.

What a beautiful synopsis... it's like Catcher in the Rye meets White Lotus. I guess classics are classics for a reason!

So, what did Reddit have to say? Here are the top reactions.

Feature_Minimum comments:

I mean this is rough, but at least your dad’s heart is in the right place. That f*cking idiot.

CantFindAUserNameFUH says:

Motorboat your butt?! My goodness bless her heart. That’s a professional.

From 9Athelas7:

'She said her lips were sealed until the time comes to suck cock.' This part is priceless.

And OP responded:

Lol she had more funny lines like that, but she spoke too fast for me to remember the rest.

Ekgladiator wanted to know:

The only thing I'm confused about is if you are actually gay and decided to just admit it or if you lied about it because of how awkward the situation was? No offense intended mind you just curious.

And OP generously answered:

I was being honest about my sexuality. I never planned to share that information with the sex worker, but I panicked and acted without really thinking.

Strange enough, when she offered to play with my butt, I did get a little turned on, which is kind of confusing because I've never been sexually attracted to the opposite sex. If I learned anything from this experience, it's that I should probably stop focusing on labels.

So TheOldMancunian offered some kind words:

Being honest with your Dad, and then with a sex worker, is not something to be ashamed off. And neither is your sexuality - that is between you and whoever you choose as a partner. Oh, and waiting until your 20s to have sex is not something to be ashamed of. Trust me on this one.

So, there you have it!

And I hope it includes better boundaries between father and son. Happy internetting!