A couple with an otherwise perfect morning routine found themselves in a pickle when they couldn't reach an agreement. So, one of them came to Reddit to ask:
I (32yo m) work fully remote and my wife (30yo f) works 2-3 days in office. On days where she commutes in the morning, I wake up early with her, make us French press coffee while she gets ready, and I walk her to the ferry which is approximately a 5 minute walk, and then approximately a 5-10 minute wait for the ferry onboarding.
On our walks, she insists that I carry her purse, saying that her bag is heavy, that she has to carry it all day, and that if I carry it on the walk it would mean a lot to her.
I told her that she’s putting me in an awkward situation, where I need to either a) carry her purse which I would prefer not to do or b) have an argument first thing in the morning because I refused to carry her purse.
Maybe I am just stubborn, but to me, carrying my wife’s purse, and then standing in line with all of the commuters waiting to board the ferry as I hold my wife’s purse for her commute into work, is a bit emasculating and humiliating.
She on the other hand thinks that it would be a nice gesture, and the fact that it I find it embarrassing is irritating because I should a) care more about what she thinks than what other people think and b) be comfortable enough in my own skin not to feel emasculated or humiliated.
So what do you think? Am I the a-hole for telling my wife I don’t want to carry her purse?
ESH (Everyone sucks here) It would be a nice gesture, but I don't really understand why she can't carry her purse for 5 mins. On the other hand, if you feel humiliated and emasculated because you're holding your wife's purse, then that's something you probably need to work on.
Holding a purse isn't emasculating and humiliating, being a baby about holding a purse is emasculating and humiliating.
Agreed. Nothing is LESS attractive than a man whining about being emasculated. My husband readily agrees to hold my pink pleather purse anywhere I need it and doesn't blink an eye as he straps it across his body. Confidence is soooo sexy.
Insisting is rather strong and a bit strange. Do you think it’s possible that she is insisting because of his view on masculinity? It kinda sounds like she knows it’s an issue and is trying to get him to confront it.
I’m not sure OP’s wife insists. My husband is like you, if I’m with him and my bag/purse is getting heavy and I ask him to hold it for a bit, he’ll just do it. He’s never once refused to hold my bag or purse, whether it’s on a night out or while shopping on our high street.
But I can imagine getting a little hurt/ annoyed if he refused every time I asked and then coming across a little strong, trying to make a point that he should just help me. That would look like I’m insisting while my husband refuses to help me out.
I feel like that may be the case here? That wife has asked a few times, OP says no and gives this stupid reason, wife argues back and the whole back and forth escalated into insisting.
NTA (Not the a-hole). She’s a grown woman perfectly capable of carrying the purse she chooses to take with her. If it’s too heavy she can either remove some of the stuff inside or find an alternative bag. You’ve said no, it makes you uncomfortable. She needs to respect that.
YTA (You're the a-hole). The amount of people who are voting NTA is blowing my mind because your only reason for not carrying it because you would feel “humiliated” and “emasculated”. Like Wtf.
Does OP need to get over himself, or does his wife need a lighter purse?